Ribs, ham, toilets etc.

Last day of my superman sleep cycle. Frankly, it’s been a bit of a waste of time. All I’ve done is stare at walls and feel as if the world is one big, bleak ball of shit. The play isn’t quite finished. The pitching frenzy was nothing of the sort. I’ve lost a lot of weight and could play a little tune on my ribs, if I wanted to.

Yes, a bit of a waste of time. You’ll be able to read more about it all when the feature runs next week. Actually, if it runs: apparently the paper only  publishes 25% of the freelance material it commissions. I’ve never had anything spiked before, but part of me wouldn’t mind if this one didn’t work out: it’s for a paper I’m not keen on and I still get two thirds of the agreed fee if it isn’t published. Further, I spent much of yesterday morning with a photographer and had to ham up my tiredness (not necessary, I was creamed) and generally mug to the camera. With each mug, a little part of me died. However, if it is published, I get more money and an opportunity to drum up some exposure for one or two of my certain-to-fail projects, including this one, the one where I’m ridiculously pitching 642 magazines; and the play, which remains half written.

Whatever the newspaper gods decide, the outcome will be in some way detrimental I’m sure. My luck’s in the toilet right now. All the editors in the country have ganged up and decided not to reply to my pitches, emails, or demands that they please try to pay me roughly on time. I’ve been through this before of course, so I know I can get through a bad patch, but, jesus, just look at how I’ve turned out.


5 responses to “Ribs, ham, toilets etc.

  1. This seems like fair comeuppance for idea thieving/stealing. Got another one for you, how about depriving your senses with white noise and ping pong ball halves and see if you go nuts? Failing that, how about seeing how long you can eat different foodstuffs after their sell-by dates? Or living entirely off steaks? Basically anything that’s going to be detrimental to your physical/mental health with hilarious consequences. I’ll be bouncing some more off you in the coming days.

  2. How splendid to hear from you Alan; if you ask me, it’s been far too long. And I appreciate you taking such a keen interest in my career and general well-being.
    The food one could be good, but bear in mind that many thousands of journalists religiously visit this site so if you are going to furnish me with any more ideas, then it might be an idea not to do it in such a public and popular arena. Perhaps we can meet for a drink (and more) sometime.

  3. I like the food idea, I think that’s a winner. You could even see about eating the excrement of the out of date food after you’ve eaten it once, and compare different foods and supermarkets that way. Alan, can you furnish me with anything – ideas or otherwise? Perhaps some of this “(and more)” that pitchingtheworld has alluded to would be nice for me too?

  4. Wow, nearly a week since an update. I’m going to need one soon. All I’ve been doing for the last 3 days is staring at walls and seeing dead babies crawling across the ceiling at me.

  5. Alan, I understand your pain – a pain created by the absence of me writing about my pain. Fear not: I’ll be updating this bastard shortly. In fact, I could be doing it now instead of doing this but I prefer doing this.
    When do you fancy that drink (and more)?

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