Making God Laugh

How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans. How do you make pitchingtheworld’s older, better, but just as screwed up brother laugh? Same answer.

Yes, you should have seen me the other day as I told him that I was fast becoming a “Malcolm Gladwell-type figure”, a man who, yes, makes money through his writing, but also trousers up to $40,000 per time for public speaking. I had, you see, lined up a gig at Brighton and Hove’s City College to talk to the journalism students there about the pitching process. “This,” I told my brother “is the way to make money. Not books. You won’t make much money from a book anymore [for the record, I didn’t really know what I was talking about here]. This. Talks. Doing this.”

Doing “this” though, isn’t quite as lucrative as I had imagined. I was offered £25.00 for my talk. Out of this, I have to pay my own expenses and travel, including a return ticket from London to Brighton, though the course leader told me that if I “booked early enough” I could get a single for £3.00. I told her I’d think about it.

Yesterday I celebrated pitchingtheworld’s two month anniversary (I say celebrated, but it passed by without me noticing). If, two months ago, you had told me I would be writing for the Daily Mail, have trials lined up for a professional football club and be keeping this blog going with tens, sometimes hundreds of daily readers, I would have fallen over.

If, on the other hand, you had told me that I would be making roll-ups out of cigarette ends, eating beetroot (and only beetroot) for my lunch, grinding my teeth down to nubs over late payments and generally not pitching as much as I would like because the Writers’ & Artists’ Yearbook gives me the fear just looking at the fucking thing, then I probably would have said “Yeah, that sounds about right.”


10 responses to “Making God Laugh

  1. I have noticed no mention of me on this blog since October 19th when you alluded that you were a victim of domestic violence at my hands. I buy the beetroots you eat, I smoke the cigarettes that you use the butts of, I clothe you, albeit badly, and provide shin pads for your football training, whilst you pursue yet more of your hair-brained schemes and wait seemingly indefinitely to get paid. But who is mentioned glowingly in your posts? Your brother, this Alan who I am not at all happy with, Teds Hughes and Sheringham and George Orwell. And when I try and speak to you, you simply tell me you are ‘busy doing your blog’ or ‘busy pitching’ or ‘busy depriving myself of sleep’ or ‘busy training to be a professional footballer’ so I have had to resort to posting on here to communicate with you. I can only think that you are trying to develop a female fan base and, much like gay boy band members, you feel if people knew about me this would somehow affect this. Of course it won’t. You are unlikely to develop said fanbase. So next blog all about me and how brilliant I am please and maybe a bit about how brilliant you are too… what do you want for dinner? beetroot again?

  2. Oh dear, sounds like someone needs to go do some relationship mending, heh!

    Great blog btw, good luck with the trial … couldn’t be arsed myself, prefer to watch footy rather than play it!

  3. This is fast becoming my fave read of a morning. Loving the wife imput too. Nice one.

  4. Ahem, okay okay it’s input not imput.
    No wonder nobody replies to my pitches…

  5. Imput/input – doesn’t matter to me Tracey, just good to have you here. You too, small Welshman. As for my wife, yes it is good to have her popping up but if she continues to outshine me in the writing stakes, then I may have to start unapproving her comments.

  6. I’m very happy about the way this blog is progressing, it’s getting weirder by the day. I’m very not happy though abotu two things: (1) the Wife; indeed, she is snapping at your heels pitchingtheworld, and (2) someone on the previous post’s comments adopting my name as thier own. And (3) me spelling about as abotu, in no doubt the same way Tracey would attempt the spelling of such a word. Now pitchingtheworld will be getting griped up thinking I am insulting his readers, but really, this is not the case. We are kindred spirits in a sense: both speliing words wrong, then realising it jsut before it’s too late; and both feeling that this blog is fast becoming our fave read of the morning. Loving the wife input too. Not loving people taking my name in vein (vain?) though. Alan, is that you, you scoundrel?

  7. You’ll have to keep the wife unhappy for a bit to write all those relationship advice tips for the womens mags…of which there must be loads. Best of luck with the project!

  8. Nice idea Ben, thanks. I’ve been wanting to nail those women’s mags for a while. Thanks for the luck, too.

  9. Can you tell more about the Beetroot? I love Beetroot more than say custard and other staple foods. Are they pickled or fresh?

  10. Fresh, Boris, always fresh. Same for custard.

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