If you were a casual observer of Pitching the World – and you could well be: I had someone on here a couple of days ago who had searched for “what are exotic meals?” and up popped this shit – you might be forgiven for thinking that within these pages there would be valuable information to read about the process and business of writing. For a start, it’s fundamentally a blog about pitching magazines with ideas for features. It also has some arresting, yet helpful-sounding titles: “Rewrites” and “Deadlines” and “Money” among them. You might read a post or two and feel as if there’s the possibility of learning something. You would look at my Rewrites post and think: ah, good, he’s going to be charting his progress up until now with some easy-to-follow pie charts. He’ll be doing this next week, because he said he would. The more you looked however, the more disappointed you would become. He’s not going to do those pie charts (and this is you), because he either is incapable of doing them, or his progress so far has been so tragic that he can’t bring himself to let us all know what he’s really been up to these last three months. This man is a soak and a fraud. Let’s kill him.

But don’t kill me just yet. I have a pretty much inescapable deadline that will see this project wrapped up. At the end of January, Pitching the World will be no more. The British Journalism Review – which, because it’s quarterly, I assume is prestigious – have commissioned an article from me about my experiences of pitching every magazine in the Writers’ & Artists’ Shitbook and I’m going to fire off something to each one in there, even if it means staying awake throughout January.

So yes, you’ll have me around for another six weeks ago and then, like Keyser Soze, I’ll be gone. Just like that. Imagine that, my award-winning blog: Gone.

Except it probably won’t be gone. And it’s not really an it, it’s just a me spouting a lot of nonsense and I’ll refuse to stop spouting nonsense, I’ll simply come up with another skeleton upon which I can piss out my half-baked thoughts and pretend it’s all very special.

One last thing: does anyone have any football boots? Size 9? My trial with Colchester United is on Friday.


6 responses to “Deadlines

  1. I thought I’d get in here before Alan starts giving us his tuppence worth. I was looking forward to the Pie Charts. It would be a good way of posting without having to use words, which I detect you are becoming increasingly jaded with. If this is indeed the case, you could try several alternative approaches: a piece of music; writing in a style not your own (Tim Westwood could be an influence here); or, some drawings to illustrate a day in your life.

    Yet, you must be doing something right if the British Journalism Review want a piece of you. I hope they know what they’re doing. Have they actually read your blog?

    I have a pair of size elevens you can borrow. They need cleaning; but with your crazy hair, tight shorts, skinny white legs and glasses I reckon you’d go down a storm.

  2. We were all looking forward to the pie charts Bingo. All of us. Perhaps, as you suggest, I’ll do a drawing instead, maybe one of a massive turd, which will convey what the pie charts would have done anyway.
    And the crazy hair, tight shorts, skinny white legs and glasses is pretty accurate. Are you stalking me? Hope so.

  3. oh man u is real messed in the head … not sure I should read your blog anymore, heh!

  4. Thanks for your delicate yet insightful appraisal of my mental state, tiny Welshman. You should keep reading though. Not sure why, but you should.

  5. Dear Pitching,

    Are you really having a trial at Colchester United? If so, I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you a lot of luck. From descriptions, it sounds as though you may need it, though from your writing I must say it seems like you could do anything. And remember you’re a winner already, what with this blog and your wife, who seems to just keep on giving. You both seem wonderful. I hope you have a lovely Christmas together, with or without the signing-on fee.

    Best wishes, Mme B x

  6. Congratulations Madame Bovary! As the poster of the 100th comment you win a prize. Don’t know what it will be yet, but it will be spectacular.
    Yes, do indeed have a trial. It’s tomorrow. I’m in bits. Thanks for the kind words, yeah.

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