Blurb. Blurbs.

Perhaps I’m getting a little ahead of myself, but I’ve already started on the blurb for my book and would be interested to hear what people think. Bear in mind it’s my first attempt and could do with a bit more work. The blurb, for those who don’t know, is the bit on the back cover saying how good a book is and what it’s about. 

You’ll love Pitching the World – the outrageously funny comedy hit inspired by Hackney’s first Nobel Prize writing team. He was one unlikely athlete with one impossible dream. Now with the help of an ex-champion (Alan – Uncle Buck), one writer leaves his sunny island home to enter the chilly winter Nobel Prize in a sport he knows nothing about – writing racing! Finding the courage in each other to give it their all, they meet the challenge, and soon become heroes – taking the whole world along for the ride. You’ll be cheering long and loud for this unlikely team in this feel-good comedy hit. 

Pretty good, isn’t it? And it’s in no way just the copy on the back of the DVD of Cool Runnings that I’ve nicked and changed a few words of. I haven’t, for example, changed “Cool Runnings” to “Pitching the World”, “Olympics” to “Nobel Prize”, “bobsled” to “writing” and “Jamaica” to “Hackney”. And even if I had done that – and I haven’t – there’s no way that this is an indication of how much time I have on my hands at the moment.

Neither is this: 

It’s the rematch of the century as Pitching the World takes on Alan in this powerful follow-up to one of the most acclaimed books in publishing history. Writer-director-star Pitching the World succeeds in creating a powerful feel-good book hailed as “a stunning effort in every way” (New York Post).

After club writer Pitching the World (pitchingtheworld) goes the distance with the world heavyweight champion, writing fans clamour for a rematch. But Pitching the World, having sustained massive injuries in the bout, announces his retirement. Though he tries to make a new life for himself, Pitching the World realises he can’t escape his true calling. The ring beckons once more, and the “Italian Stallion” must prepare for the writing exercise of his life.

Better, I think. If anyone else can be bothered to do a blurb, please send it in. A beetroot-based dinner for the best entry. 


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12 responses to “Blurb. Blurbs.

  1. Pitchingtheworld’s directorial debut offers a gritty, profane look inside the mean streets of North London, where drug addiction, poverty and abuse hold sway. This is a semi-autobiographical picture of paternal anger and alcohol abuse from husband (a menacing and remarkable pitchingtheworld), causing bouts of often unbearable tension and shocking domestic violence against his family. The son (Alan) is battling heroin while his weary resigned wife, Pitchingtheworld’s wife (pitchingtheworld’s wife, in an incredible performance) tries to keep out of his way. A superb and cautionary tale of the downward spiral of self-destruction and tested loyalties, shot through with true humour. With a score by Eric Clapton and winner of the Best Actress award for Pitchingtheworld’s wife at the Cannes Film Festival.

  2. First of all, pitchy, you need to stop stealing funnies from other blogs/me (who is definitely not you). Second of all, try THIS on for size:

    Pitchingtheworld is a cheeky, charming young writer who spends all his time playing with his friends and family. He is always landing himself in comical situations whilst living in his writer- y world! Join Pitchingtheworld in his fun-filled adventures along with his family and friends.

    Chapter Guide:

    1. Pitchingtheworld helps with incubating
    2. Alan is born
    3. Pitchingtheworld goes fishing
    4. Pitchingtheworld helps to deliver mail
    5. Pitchingtheworld is jealous
    6. Pitchingtheworld and the snowball fight
    7. Pitchingtheworld plays fish tennis
    8. Pitchingtheworld runs away
    9. Pitchingtheworld builds an igloo
    10. Pitchingtheworld has music lessons from his grandfather
    11. Pitchingtheworld in the ice cave
    12. Pitchingtheworld’s lavatory story

    If ANYONE tries to tell me that I have stolen this from the back of the Pingu Forever Ultimate Bumper Collection, I will fucking equalise them (I’m looking at you here, Boz). I’ve had about enough of these pygoscelic accusations.

  3. Gaggles of little beetroot-coloured ghosts, hacks and a host of paranormal occurences are on the rampage in London.

    Can anyone save the world from these super-noxious creatures? Only three under-employed and enterprising housebound parapsychotics when they go into the ‘PITCHINGTHEWORLD’ business. PTW, his wife, and Alan star as the freelance crusaders who team up as the Pitchgingtheworld squad. Armed with Strunk & White’s ectospasmodic Elements of Style swats and patented neologisms, they write a fine line between journalistic genius and hair-raising lunacy in their quest to rid the city of these slimy, hawking scoopsters.

    The unique tragicomic pseudo-talents of PTW (Colchester Utd.), Wifey (The Ketamine Ball), and Alan (Four Sleepless Nights at The Glade), together with the sauce-boat Tracy (I Stole Your Man, and I’ll Do It Again), and Director The Bounder (Just One More 48 Hours) create doubtfully the most hilarious and succesful attempt at a appalling comedy never produced. Or ever likely to be.

    You don’t need extra-insensitive perception to see why PITCHINGTHEWORLD is lovingly laughed at by the critics, adults, and mice alike.

  4. 7. Pitchingtheworld plays fish tennis

    More of this sort of thing, please.

  5. Un Oeuf 's Enough

    One unemployed man, inspired by a touring group of male bloggers, decides he can make a small fortune by putting on a blogtease show of his own – but with one small difference. He intends to go the “full monty” and blog completely naked! In this hilarious, heartfelt blog, this one friend discovers the inner strength to bare it all in front of the world. This enchantingly funny crowd-pleasing blog features the lyrics of Donna Summer, Gary Glitter, Sister Sledge and Tom Jones.

  6. Un Oeuf 's Enough

    College Cunts III only had pictures, oddly.

  7. Yeah, Oeufie, I tried that avenue, but Anal Sluts Go Nuts 4, Indiana Bones at the Temple of Poon, Men in Black Men and Bicurious George just didn’t come up with the goods. Well the films certainly did, but the blurbs were lacking. I mean there was plenty of blurb in the last scene of Men in Black Men, but none on the back cover. Well there is quite a bit of blurb on the back cover of Anal Sluts now, but nothing that could provide hilarious material for this blog, apart from this post, which is hilariously idiotic, a bit like the plot of Bicurious George.

  8. Alan, I’m shooting a bluey at the moment actually, Old-Dear Hunter, about a man who, well, you can guess the plot…

    Know anyone who might want to be in it?

  9. Beetroot deprivation at this time of year, when winter has rotted the last of the beets cringing in the cold wet soil, decimated by slugs and frost, is a well known problem for beetroot dependant people.

    It is well know that it dims the brain and stops the creative juices dead in their tracks.

    The usual advice is just to grit one’s teeth and hold on – or just summon the courage to go to Silly Sainsburys, the supermarket that loves to spew contempt on customers, and be completely ripped off by paying a grossly inflated price for inferior imported, limp beetroots airfreighted in from Anatolia or some such exotic and far flung place.

    Just try and hang on in there until the balmy days of summer bring back the good old British beets to feed your craving.

    Then you’ll probably find that actually writing the book before bothering to write the back cover blurb is a really good idea, and all will be well with the World once more as you feel peace and harmony flowing through your veins as the beetroot does its good work.

  10. Boz! Boz! Boz! You’re back!

    And how! I think we could all learn a lot from a sentence like “limp beetroots airfreighted in from Anatolia or some such exotic and far flung place”. Perfect; and as Dr Dre might say, you just can’t teach that shit.

  11. your wife is in the lead at the moment. However, with the entries continuing to come in thick and fast, I imagine it is only a matter of time before someone else creeps ahead of her. The competition closes on March 31st 2010.

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