Pitching the Void

Or rather: Pitching Not Very Much. Or better still: Pitching Fuck All. I haven’t pitched a thing for a couple of weeks now, for a number of reasons:

1. I don’t really like pitching things.

2. I don’t really like the people who I’m pitching things to.

3. I don’t really like writing things after they have been pitched and accepted.

4. I don’t really like the people who read the things that I write after they’ve been pitched and accepted and written.

5. After something has been pitched, accepted, written and read by people who – for no reason at all – I don’t really like, I don’t like waiting around for payment. 

6. Waiting around for payment is causing me no end of problems, including  hair loss, a misaligned jaw from grinding my teeth too much, an erratic libido (not really, I just like the idea of having an erratic libido) and (due to a lack of money) a decrease in the number of cigarettes I smoke and the amount of alcohol I drink.

7. When something has been pitched, accepted, written, read by a bunch of fools etc. then I feel it is my duty to try and write something about it, or about my lifestyle, or about something else equally uninteresting on here. This causes a lot of problems because I don’t particularly like blogs, writers, writing, blogs about writers, or writing a blog about a writer. 

I give Pitching the World another week or so.

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12 responses to “Pitching the Void

  1. cheer up grumpy chops

  2. About time, Pitchy, this whole thing has been on one big shit-spiral down the can from day 1. You really fucked youself over when you started bragging about your BNOC restaurant reviewer gig. Nobody here wants to hear about that. They want to hear about you going off the rails and taking down your marriage and liver in the process. You could make a series of pie charts with two segments: one representing good things that happen to you, the other representing number of readers of this blog and watch the former slowly eat the latter ‘Like PAC Man!’ I suggest you contract AIDS or get fined on the 29 or something to get this thing back on track. God save our revenue, God save our revenue.

  3. He’s right you know PTW. And because he’s right, I think what would really ‘get this thing back on track’ is kicking the shit out of Alan. I’ve thought about this all night, and as far as I can see, there really is no other way. It’s the ONLY option available to you PTW, and will forever endear your readers to you – more than words alone can do.

  4. I believe this is what’s known as the crisis before the redemption. Like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. Or Mr Frodo on the slopes of Mount Doom. Or Luke Skywalker in that bit in Empire Strikes Back where he fucks Yoda off to go face Darth Vader.

    Fear not, PTW! Like Luke, Mr Frodo and, er, Jesus, you’ll emerge from this moment of existential doubt a stronger, wiser, person. It is your destiny.

  5. Although having said that, I do feel I should point out that point 2 in your list really should read:

    I don’t really like the people to whom I’m pitching.

    Sloppy grammar will not help anyone fulfill their destiny now, will it?

  6. My shit bird just stopped me getting a free pack of 6 beetroots, just because it was on a bin outside Camden Sainsburys. I’m absolutely fuming. Thought I’d let you know, because it’s probably still there and could feed you and your shit bird for a week.

  7. PTW Readers,

    I’m making a documentary about this award winning blog! and I need your smiling faces on camera. If you live in the UK, contact me A to the SAP if you are willing to do a short interview. I’d like to hear any of your thoughts on the blog, its esteemed author, freelance writing, or all of the above.

    – Anna
    anna.m.caffrey.09@ucl.ac.uk

  8. My thoughts: Where the bloody hell has he gone?

  9. My money says he’s at home watching Phil Loggins chase a twenty- year-old log down a dirty river. I’ll let YOU be the judge of whether I mean he’s porking his bird or watching AxeMen. Or porking this Anna bird. There’s no WAY anyone would ever call him an ‘esteemed author’ without him putting something in their dirty river.

  10. I heard rumours that he is creating the mother of all pie charts. Apparently this graph is so complex that PTW has become blind on one eye.

  11. Derek Loganberry

    Oh Alan. I’m lying in my bed in a dirty old dressing gown, listening to choral music on radio 3, wondering what the devil is going on in the world and how I can not be part of it (without chumping myself), and then I read your last comment, which made me laugh so hard I ACTUALLY pissed my pants. Now, that’s what I call good times.

    PTW you can learn something from this.

    (By the way, I have met Anna, and she is most certainly not a bird, but a lady – and I doubt very much she likes being ‘porked’ as you call it. I don’t know what kind of ropey chicks you hang round with, but if she were mine I would have fed her that beetroot for a week)

  12. Oooooh looks like Derek’s got a thing for camera bird. “Derek and camera-bird, sitting in a tree, L-O-G-J-A-M-M-I-N-G.”

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