Hallucinating. Possibly.

Is it better to hallucinate mice in your home or actually have mice in your home? This is something I have been wrestling with for some days now. I’m pretty convinced I have seen a mouse several times since the weekend. My wife, who has been with me on the majority of occasions when I’ve seen the mouse, hasn’t seen the mouse. She thinks I’ve made the mouse up and that imagining a mouse running around somehow represents my fragile mental state. I think my mental state is fine, that mentally I’m pretty much tip top at the moment, and that the only reason I’m seeing a mouse running around (this happens four to five times a day) is because there is a mouse running around.

Part of me wishes that I was hallucinating the mouse running around. I think I would prefer for there to be a mouse running around inside my head rather than one running around in reality. This doesn’t represent my tip top mental state, more it’s just because I hate them.

I hate them not because they cause me to jump from time to time and spread disease etc. but because whenever I see a mouse (which is about four to five times a day), I think ‘wouldn’t it be good to get a cat, a cat would sort out a mouse’. Then I think about cats for a bit. Then I think about Cat World. Then I think ‘isn’t it a long time since I said I would pitch Cat World but didn’t. And look at all those other magazines in the Writers’ & Artists’ Yearbook that I was supposed to pitch – and said I would pitch – but haven’t. And look at the state of Pitching the World. Pitching the World’s a laugh. Pitching the World’s gone really well. Pitching the World isn’t just one almighty flap-up’.

Well, it may be a flap-up at the moment, but it’s going to be a success. It has to be, to get rid of the mice. Either I’m hallucinating mice or they’re in the house. If I’m hallucinating them, it’s down to my fragile mental state, a mental state that has declined since Pitching the World has gone awry. And if there are actual mice in the house – and there probably are – then I need to make Pitching the World into a success so that we can move out of this mice-infested grief hole into a better place. 

There are other options of course – buy mouse traps, spend the weekend chasing mice around with with a golf club, take drugs to stop hallucinating – but I feel getting Pitching the World back on course is the best one.


5 responses to “Hallucinating. Possibly.

  1. Cat Even Stevens

    You and your readers, if there are any, might want to try this new service (this is a prototype website) and possibly write about it for one of your cat magazines. It looks really good:

  2. he’s back! and it is about damn time. are you still doing the book deal? is that part of the pitching?


  3. As a teenager, bereft of funds and access to genuine LSD, and before information on these matters was just a google away, we experimented with drinking 3 blended lettuce heads, having heard this had a hallucinogenic effect. The only reaction it created was some projectile spew, but I am tempted to think perhaps your inordinate beetroot consumption over the last 10 months is perhaps correlated to the mice visions?

  4. In either case, I concur that the revival of this flagging blog is indeed the best cure. I know its daunting now you’ve got such a dedicated international fan base, but give the people what they wanted to hear: the zaniness of the pitches to England’s most obscure or dull publications.

    I’ve been spreading the word of PTW to my fellow countrymen on the otherside of the world, but those who have been reading are a little confused at the lack of world, or for that matter, world actual pitches.

    So I’ve been investigating a few to get you back on track (the old W&A yearbook is available online y’know, which means you CAN use the original now as rolling papers or dunny paper or any better use) and there’s a plethora.

    Like, what the dickens is the British Philatic Bulletin? What scandals are taking place in the British Chess world? Just two pitches after catworld is the Catholic Pictorial, and there’s so much fun to be had with the Catholics. What’s news in coins? What can you offer Old Tractors circulation of 8? And then there’s the Erotic Review… and a man of your fragile mental state would surely have his hand on the pulse (and vulva) of the nation’s erotica.

    And if you’re still stuck, do what I do in these situations. Delegate. Throw it back to us, your dear reader base, for inspiration and ideas. Give us a rag and we’ll compete for honour and betroot for a pitch idea. And a cut of the earnings.

    So, what letter are we up to?

  5. You’re right Boundy: but tell your countrymen that things are going to be changing around here. And fast. And how.

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