This is how to pitch*

Dear Guardian/Daily Mail Travel Ed,

I’m in a tight spot. I thought I was in a tight spot before, but I wasn’t. I am now. I had been planning a holiday this summer with my wife, but recently my wife has done the decent thing and left me. The decent thing for me to do in this situation is still go on holiday. But I’m in a tight spot. First, because over the last eighteen or so months my soon-to-be-ex-wife and I have, in one form or another, been across most of the planet and I’m reluctant to go somewhere where the memories are still too raw. Second, I’d like go somewhere and improve myself, not just get drunk, get involved in meaningless romantic encounters and get imprisoned, no matter how attractive that might sound.

What I’m proposing for a feature then, is this: I find a suitable holiday where self-improvement is key and write about it, perhaps under the umbrella of “Holidays for when you’ve just broken up” or something equally as catchy. Perhaps something where I learn to sing for a week, or work in the favellas of Rio or study philosophy in Greece. Something, in short, whereby I come back a better a person.

Now, I realise this idea sounds rubbish but it only sounds rubbish because I’m a bit drunk. The idea itself is beautiful. Hundreds of thousands of people in the UK split up with long-term partners every year and they all still want to go away and come back better. I’ll tell them where to go, so to speak.

Yours Sincerely,

Pitching the World

PS Believe it or not I have plenty of clips from travel magazines and newspapers, including your own, should you wish to see them.

* Except, of course, it isn’t. In fact, it’s the worst pitch I’ve ever sent and that, truly, is saying something.


7 responses to “This is how to pitch*

  1. Good plan, nice pitch. One teeny problem:

    Good god, this freelance writing lark is a cunt’s game isn’t it?*


    *And just my luck, that sentence will bury itself in the internet and will forever be attributed to me directly, thus screwing my chances of ever getting another commission. Probably serves me right.

  2. Dude it was quite amusing in a derogatory fashion towards yourself. As a pitch though it was awful; even if that actually is the function a few Guardian/Mail travel writers fulfil as the inevitable divorce accosts their lives.

    Then there are the hordes of filler columnists who write about the divorce itself and conceitedly extrapolate to what all men/women in Britain go through in the process. So really what you want to do isn’t far off much of what actually happens in the UK press today.


    editor at

  3. Well I, for one, loved it. If only I was a travel editor (oh, the power!) and could employ us both. Or at the very least send us to to ecudaor to be wrapped in haeling hallucinogens. thought this does seem more of a Tele story…

    I’m pitching 7 trravel pitches next week, all restrospectively, as I’m poor as a church mouse. Just got to remember what happened there. Any tips welcomed with open arms.

    Oh, and there’s always a bed at the boulevard of broken dreams in Balmain, Sydney, Australia.

  4. Too soon? Probably. I just wanted to say I am pleased to see you doing this again ‘pitchy’. Underneath it all, I am glad you chose ‘Steve blogs’ over ‘Steve jobs’. For your sake. And because he’s a cunt.
    I also cannot believe boundy has nicked your idea and is now trying to get you to Ecuador with her to do hallucinogens. Remember they are not your friend. But I hope one day I will be. I know you’ll never approve this but just thought I’d use this medium to say hi. Will leave the keys with Sal Friday, if you’re still coming up.

  5. I approve everything these days Celia. And as much as I’d like to conduct our post-relationship relationship in public, I don’t think it’s very becoming and I’m sure my tens – sometimes hundreds – of readers don’t want to be hearing about keys, when I’m coming up to London etc.
    That said, if you do see Sal and could give her the keys that would be ace. I’ll be picking some stuff up Friday evening.
    The rest of you: Thanks. Even you P-Diddy. Appreciate the offers of beds, pointing out my novel idea is not very novel at all and Simon’s “Good god, this freelance writing lark is a cunt’s game isn’t it?” – think that should be the strapline to the PTW book. And there will be a book.

  6. Well, well, well, PTW’s on the move. I like it.

    Simon’s strapline would ensure the book sold hundreds of copies – it’s very alluring and full of mystique.

    Is that really ex-wifey? And is that your real name PTW? Is freelance writing not a job? Are you just blogging all day Pitchy, and not working? You hound and a rotter, you had me fooled.

  7. Someone once said something about no man ever achieved anything when burdened by wives & kids.

    I wonder who that might have been ?

    So now we may see those pitches turning into commissions a bit more maybe.

    The glittering life of a man of letters beckons.

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