Men’s Health

I’ve been wanting to write for Men’s Health for years. The magazine pays very well, sells lots of copies and if I featured in an edition and received one free in the post then I could learn how to build big arms fast and please my lover. The people at Men’s Health must know how to do these things as, for the past ten years, whenever I see a copy in the newsagents these straplines* are plastered across the front.

Now, I know slagging off a magazine within seconds of pitching it is not the way to go, but once you read the below you’ll realise that my pitch has less than zero chance of getting scooped up, so what the hell.

And by the way, dear readers, the irony of one of the unhealthiest men in the country pitching a magazine exclusively dealing with the health and well-being of men has not escaped me.

Commissioning Ed,

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Or so said Winston Churchill. But perhaps he was wrong, perhaps it should be: “If you’re going through hell, stay there for a bit.”

Let me explain.

The last few months have been tricky: my marriage has broken down, I’m being treated for alcoholism and I’m practically homeless. My Dad hasn’t spoken to me since I posted a semi-jokey comment on my blog about having a nervous breakdown on holiday. I had to be carried off a football pitch recently by four men after getting cramp. My hair’s falling out. So, yes, things not good.

And yet, in some ways I’m feeling better than I have done for years: they do say that tough times make tough people and I feel as if I’m coming out of this tough part of my life stronger, fitter, more confident and…well, perhaps not ready to take on the world, but certainly ready to take on some of it. So how about a feature on how your readers can deliberately put themselves through testing situations – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially and so forth – and come out of the other side better people?

Happy to flesh out with examples if you’re at all interested. And if you’re not, this quote from Proust may help to convince you: “Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.”

Probably won’t help convince you though having re-read it. I have better quotes.

Best wishes,

Pitchy

* I think I mean coverlines

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7 responses to “Men’s Health

  1. Also, after re-reading my above (in truth not-that-great) post, I’ve realised that if I tweaked one of the sentences I can ship this pitch round to loads of places.

    For example, at the moment the sentence reads:

    So how about a feature on how your readers can deliberately put themselves through testing situations – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially and so forth – and come out of the other side better people?

    But for Cat World I could change it to:

    So how about a feature on how CATS can deliberately put themselves through testing situations – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially and so forth – and come out of the other side better CATS?

    Could work for other things too I reckon. For Practical Boat Owner magazine, say:

    So how about a feature on how PRACTICAL BOATS can deliberately put themselves through testing situations – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially and so forth – and come out of the other side better PRACTICAL BOATS?

    Inspired, isn’t it? It’s taken a year, but I reckon I’ve got this whole pitching the world business sussed.

  2. Please try it on Cat World and post their response. In all seriousness though, reckon the original pitch might stand a chance at FHM.

  3. You should do a few templates that nearly all conceivable pitches will fit with minor tweaks. However there is the downside that you’ll have less time to think whilst writing, and may end up pitching for something that doesn’t interest you much at all.

    I actually did a pitch to the Metro the other week saying how the celebrity columns were so awful, and appeared in many other papers, that the unique appeal of the paper was going down the pan. Thus I offered to do a satiric monologue in lieu of a given week’s shock horror sludge to grant Metro some difference over the boring scandal/exposé crap seen every day in the tabloids. No response.

    Pitchy, you didn’t answer the question I put to you on Wannabe Hacks…and I thought you were cool.

    Pete, editor at Dirty Garnet.

  4. CITY BANKERS can deliberately put themselves through testing situations – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially and so forth – and come out of the other side better CITY BANKERS?

    Not only does this shed light on recent historical events, but, yes, you’re right Pitchy, it can work for anything.

  5. In answer to your question Pete – which I’ve only just seen – no, I’m coping terribly as a teetotaller. In fact, I may not be coping as a teetotaller at all.

  6. C’mon Pitchy,

    Sure you can hack it a s a teetotaller for a while. You managed to get a test trial with that football club for pete’s sake. At least stick it out until Glastonbury.

  7. Yes, good point Alun. We want more of that Pitchy; the one who does ridiculous, cool and tough things like having trials at Colchester United and writing 150 restaurant reviews in 24 hours…

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