Puke, Fuck, Cry

So, last night I was sitting in my Nan’s lounge in Bournemouth talking to my Mum (since splitting up with my wife my life has become one glamorous experience after another) about the book – and subsequent film –  Eat, Pray, Love (told you). And it got me thinking. It got me thinking that although I’m going to Dubai next month to write a book and although I’m working on the research and writing of some chapters of a book at the moment for an ex-military big cheese, that I’d like to write a book for myself. About myself. And I’d like to call it Puke, Fuck, Cry rather than Eat, Pray, Love and instead of it being ‘One woman’s search for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia’ it would be ‘One man’s search for nothing across Clapton, the motorway down to Bournemouth and Bournemouth’.

And rather than set over months or years or however long Eat, Pray, love is set over – I can’t be bothered to find out – it would be a day in the life of Pitching the World.

The first part of the book, Puke, would see me in Lower Clapton puking up last night’s booze. Despite AA meetings – okay, one AA meeting – and countless resolutions to give up drinking I’ve come to the conclusion that the only thing that will get me through life is alcohol. Lots of it. All the time. So this bit of the book will see me discussing the benefits (loads, everything) of drinking and the downsides (none – well, can be expensive and drive you a bit mad, but essentially none) of drinking. This will be the best bit of the book. And subsequent film.

The second bit of the book, and subsequent film, will be Fuck. This bit will see me trying to book a National Express coach down to Bournemouth. It will be a sombre yet at times hilarious reflection of my life to date and why, at 35, I’m having to book coaches down to Bournemouth. I’ll fuck up the booking several times. There might also be a bit about why I don’t mind paying an extra 50p for an m-ticket. The actual fuck bit of the Fuck Bit will be me ruminating on the fact that despite having to – and I have had to – take hundreds of coach journeys in my life, I’ve never seen anyone on a National Express coach who I’ve wanted to fuck.

The final bit of the book, Cry, will see me down in Bournemouth in my Nan’s lounge crying into a Cumberland pie. Whilst I’m crying into my Cumberland pie, my Nan will be watching television in the background with the sound off. Readers should love this bit of the book and subsequent film. This bit will also give me the chance to write a bit about other food that I have cried into which includes – but is in no way limited to – sardines, hamburgers and tomato soup.

If anyone wants to be my agent, let me know.


17 responses to “Puke, Fuck, Cry

  1. I love it. Couple of lovely synergies between the two story lines, kicking off with a marriage breakdown, being a frustrated writer and hopefully winding up with a hot Brazillian. I’m thinking Jake Gyllenhal could play you in the subsequent film.

    Hey, if Hunter S Thompson can write a book after this journo pitch, anything’s possible…

  2. For inspiration to augment this projected autobiographic masterpiece, have a read of Frankie Boyle’s ‘My Shit Life So Far’. Available off Amazon marketplace used for under three quid. Maybe his agents are looking to represent another such human being…if your effort is indeed meant to be funny.

    Pete, editor at Dirty Garnet.

  3. I’m expecting an Oscar nod for whoever plays the Cumberland pie.

  4. Well I like it. And it sure beats my idea: Shit, Shower, Shave – describing in intimate detail one man’s journey through the bathroom before work.

  5. Hey, whatever floats your boat, PD, harangue away. We all gotta get our jollies somehow and lord knows I’m a live and let live kinda guy.

    • Indeed! The way in which I can guarantee you never retort or answer anything said at all like the unaccountable hypocrite you are is by phrasing everything I direct at you as a question, right?

      Heavens…what would The Big Rupert say about this?


      • I’m sorry, I’m not sure that made any sense. What is the question? And what would The Big Rupert say about what?

  6. Mike, is that picture above you auditioning for the role of the Cumberland pie? Hope so.
    Boundy, that’s brilliant.
    PD and Dom: Get a room. And then fight each other to the death in it.

  7. “…I’ve come to the conclusion that the only thing that will get me through life is alcohol.”

    ***Camera Bird shoots Pitchy a very dubious glance…..*** (and hopes he is ok/continues to seek support for what is probably a long process with all sorts of ups and downs)

  8. Pitchy,

    If you ever return from your diversion into film here is a good link on the publishing industy..


  9. Well this has stagnated again. A lot of the best people haven’t commented. Myabe a little game of opposites? I’ll start: Pat Sharpe…

  10. Did you mean me Alan?

  11. Errrr…yeah. Yeah I did.

  12. Yes – I would. Let’s speak?

    Matthew, agent at Aitken Alexander Associates

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