More Than Zero

“If my life was a fish,” I used to think, “I’d throw it back.” Note the used to. Note, also, that this used to doesn’t refer to some romantic bygone era, but in fact the dog-end of last week. I’ve less than two weeks left here and last week I was panicking. I’m going back to London homeless, penniless, wifeless, jobless, unfit, addicted to alcohol and cigarettes, and sometimes over-reliant on prescription tranquilisers. Troubling stuff, it would seem.

But that was last week. This week things are different. “If my life was a fish”, I think this week, “I’d take it out for dinner, show it a good time, then try and have sex with it in a park on the way home.” Because although I might be penniless, jobless, homeless and so on, I’m not gutless. And I’m not spineless. I’ve got a spine and I’ve got guts. A better writer than I wrote: “The worst thing about regret is that it makes you duck the chance of suffering new regret just as you get a glimmer that nothing’s worth doing unless it has the potential to fuck up your whole life.” And Pitching the World at one point did look as if it could fuck up my whole life. Arguably it nearly did (see above paragraph. In fact, see practically any paragraph of the last fourteen months).

Yet it hasn’t. Over the last few days my whole opinion of Pitching the World has changed. If Pitching the World was a fish, I’d skip dinner and just take it to the park and bang the hell out of it. Why the sudden enthusiasm for this award-winning fucker? First, it’s afforded me the opportunity to work on this book in Dubai – a book that I think could be remarkable. Second, it’s got me an agent. I’ve always wanted an agent, and on Friday I got one. And not only do I have an agent, but I have an agent who is pretty much the best agent in the country working for what I reckon is about the best agency. He came on here after a copywriting friend of his told him, “This is the blog I wish I had written.” He told me that and I buckled. I wanted to kiss my agent. I wanted to hug my agent. I wanted to take my agent out for dinner, show him a good time, then – well, you can guess the rest.

So, some good news. But will my agent actually prompt me into pitching the world? Will – after 14 months – those 642 magazines get pitched? Will my readers learn something about journalism? Probably not, but you never know.


14 responses to “More Than Zero

  1. N.B. A fish supper for two* for the first person to correctly identify the quote in the second paragraph.

    * You’re buying. See the first paragraph.

  2. Well done Pitchers – that is genuinely top news. And no more than you deserve. No less than you deserve. Whichever’s the good one, anyhow.

    Is your agent purely for the PTW book or do you have other irons in the pipeline, so to speak? And will Billie Piper be playing you in the TV adaption?

  3. Aw, ta loads Dom and thanks for your support over the last year or so. Have indeed got plenty of eggs in the fire, including the Dubai book I’m writing here.
    I’m hoping Sean Penn will play me, but it’ll probably be Jay from the Inbetweeners.

  4. WOAH three posts in one month! Christmas has come early this year. I’m going to have to quit my underpaid charity job to keep up with you, Pitchy!

    I hope that doesn’t sound sarcastic. Your blog is the highlight of my day as I sit in the Wellcome Library eating overpriced food to access free wifi only to avoid writing an ever expanding report for not-expanding fee.

    Congrats on the agent.

    Richard Ford??


  5. Boom! You owe me dinner, Newbie.

  6. Nice one Pitchy. If anyone deserves a break it’s you. Congratulations!
    (*he said, privately seething that no agent has noticed his own blog*)

  7. Fuck this, I’m off!

    Was only here to read how someone else’s life was worse than mine.

    I’m only, maybe, jesting.

    Well done sexy, you deserve it!

  8. Pitchfork, this is an abomination. Great news for you, but sad for the rest of us who wanted to keep you for ourselves.

    I hope your agent and all your future fans realise: we were here first.

    Good luck maestro x

  9. May your wishes be their command. Well done, and good luck.

  10. Well done Pitchster!

    Just dont let this change you too much. Promise to still only eat beetroot and Im alright with all this hoo ha.

  11. Whoop whoop! Huzzah! Boomtown! And all that follows. Wonderful. Fuck off London and stay in Dubai.

  12. Thanks very much everyone. I could kiss (and more) all of you. And no, I won’t go changing. I’m pretty much stuck this way now.

  13. Very good news.
    I`ll avoid using a hackneyed phrase like “Don`t give up the day job” `cos I doubt you`ve got one.
    Life might as well be about throwing everything at it, you might be run over by a bus tomorrow.
    So, if you`re booking a trip on the Titanic, go First Class

  14. Did your agent start a blog?

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