Last year I was thinking about writing a book called Around the World in 80 Lays. Don’t worry, it wasn’t going to be a sexy book. Rather, it was going to be a hilarious romp with me going around the world and, with chronic irony, not having sex with anyone. It was a bad idea. When I say that I was thinking about it “last year”, I wasn’t thinking about it for the whole of last year, but probably only for about five minutes of last year. Two of those five minutes were taken up with me Googling “Around the World in 80 lays” and finding out that Joe Diamond – “the Gulliver of sex travels”, according to Larry Flynt – had beaten me to it.
But I’m a sucker for a snappy feature title. For a start, they look splendid in the subject header when you’re pitching. And I particularly like the “Around the World in 80…” approach. This approach got me thinking – it got me thinking that although I might not be able to go around the world in 80 lays, there are probably lots of other things I could go around the world in. What things? These things…
Around the World in 80 Mays. I go around the world, but only during the month of May. At the end of each May I have to come back to London and wait until the following year to resume my journey. This would take a while. Probably 80 years.
Perfect for: Geographical Journal, Traveller, Wanderlust.
Around the World in 80 Gays. I go around the world constantly circled by 80 homosexual men.
Perfect for: Attitude, Gay Times, GQ, The Pink Paper
Around the World in 80 Neighs. I go around the world learning to ride 80 different types of horse. If there are that many.
Perfect for: Country Life, Horse & Hound, Horse & Pony Magazine, Horse and Rider, Your Horse.
Around the World in 80 Nays. I go around the world and say no to stuff 80 times.
Perfect for: Red Pepper
Around the World in 80 Pays. I go around the world but can only spend money on exactly 80 separate occasions.
Perfect for: Accountancy Age, Financial Adviser, Moneywise, Spear’s Wealth Management Survey.
Around the World in 80 Rays. I go around the world only speaking to people called Ray.
Perfect for: Dave Gorman Magazine
Around the World in 80 X-rays. I go around the world amazed at the many different ways in which doctors and medical professionals in various cultures X-ray their patients.
Perfect for: British Medical Journal, New Scientist, Nursing Times.
Around the World in 80 Ways. If I can think of them, I go around the world using 80 different methods of transport 80 times.
Perfect for: Aeroplane Monthly, Boards, Caravan Magazine, Classic Boat Magazine, Climb Magazine, Dancing Times, Dogs Today, Flight International, Motor Cycle News, Runner’s World, Ski and Board, Ships Monthly, Today’s Pilot, Total Off-Road, Truck & Driver, Waterways World, Yachting Monthly
Around the World in 80 Trays. I go around the world looking at, and occasionally purchasing, different types of trays.
Perfect for: Delicious, Sainsbury’s Magazine
Around the World in 80 Yays. I go around the world and am happy about stuff 80 times.
Perfect for: Psychologies, That’s Life!, Yoga & Health