Around the World in 80 (well, 10) Perfect Feature Ideas

Last year I was thinking about writing a book called Around the World in 80 Lays. Don’t worry, it wasn’t going to be a sexy book. Rather, it was going to be a hilarious romp with me going around the world and, with chronic irony, not having sex with anyone. It was a bad idea. When I say that I was thinking about it “last year”, I wasn’t thinking about it for the whole of last year, but probably only for about five minutes of last year. Two of those five minutes were taken up with me Googling “Around the World in 80 lays” and finding out that Joe Diamond – “the Gulliver of sex travels”, according to Larry Flynt – had beaten me to it.

But I’m a sucker for a snappy feature title. For a start, they look splendid in the subject header when you’re pitching. And I particularly like the “Around the World in 80…” approach. This approach got me thinking – it got me thinking that although I might not be able to go around the world in 80 lays, there are probably lots of other things I could go around the world in. What things? These things…

Around the World in 80 Mays. I go around the world, but only during the month of May. At the end of each May I have to come back to London and wait until the following year to resume my journey. This would take a while. Probably 80 years.

Perfect for: Geographical Journal, Traveller, Wanderlust.

Around the World in 80 Gays. I go around the world constantly circled by 80 homosexual men.

Perfect for: Attitude, Gay Times, GQ, The Pink Paper

Around the World in 80 Neighs. I go around the world learning to ride 80 different types of horse. If there are that many.

Perfect for: Country Life, Horse & Hound, Horse & Pony Magazine, Horse and Rider, Your Horse.

Around the World in 80 Nays. I go around the world and say no to stuff 80 times.

Perfect for: Red Pepper

Around the World in 80 Pays. I go around the world but can only spend money on exactly 80 separate occasions.

Perfect for: Accountancy Age, Financial Adviser, Moneywise, Spear’s Wealth Management Survey.

Around the World in 80 Rays. I go around the world only speaking to people called Ray.

Perfect for: Dave Gorman Magazine

Around the World in 80 X-rays. I go around the world amazed at the many different ways in which doctors and medical professionals in various cultures X-ray their patients.

Perfect for: British Medical Journal, New Scientist, Nursing Times.

Around the World in 80 Ways. If I can think of them, I go around the world using 80 different methods of transport 80 times.

Perfect for: Aeroplane Monthly, Boards, Caravan Magazine, Classic Boat Magazine, Climb Magazine, Dancing Times, Dogs Today, Flight International, Motor Cycle News, Runner’s World, Ski and Board, Ships Monthly, Today’s Pilot, Total Off-Road, Truck & Driver, Waterways World, Yachting Monthly

Around the World in 80 Trays. I go around the world looking at, and occasionally purchasing, different types of trays.

Perfect for: Delicious, Sainsbury’s Magazine

Around the World in 80 Yays. I go around the world and am happy about stuff 80 times.

Perfect for: Psychologies, That’s Life!, Yoga & Health

 

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14 responses to “Around the World in 80 (well, 10) Perfect Feature Ideas

  1. Given your age and rumoured love of the build-up to various sports events, Mays would be difficult.

    Around the World in 80 Gays could be members of either sex, and could simply be a series of reviews of various gay bars intermingled with praise for the gay community and various idiosyncratic gays you met. Among the likelier to succeed.

    Neighs would be doable, but learning to ride 80 types of horse means getting bucked with (in theory) a decreasing frequency. This endevour would likely be very costly given how a family friend of mine pays a small fortune for merely renting a stable for one horse.

    Ways would be good but you’d need to get one of those hovercraft that can go on land and sea. Or a dog that can be mounted. For reasons of finance I’d do the whole world-journey at one travel-binge juncture, funded by a massive BBC budget and aimed at showing the viewer that the boring old plane, train and car are merely the beginning of travel. A highlight would be you kayaking in New Zealand whilst having a whiskey bottle selotaped to one hand.

    Trays would be difficult and too niche of an interest to prove profitable. Note that styles of tray will be mirrored in other (ie.) ceramics such as jugs, jars, bowls… this imbues a sort of benignness that begs diversity and a ramble about the entire sort of material.

    Yays would be insanely easy, but inevitably random unless you cherry pick like some polemic scribbling, comfortable columnist.

    Best plan: combine all of the above until you’ve 80 of them and title the series ‘Around the World in 80 Things’.

    Pete, editor at Dirty Garnet.

  2. PTW,

    Brilliant stuff. I can’t tell you how happy it made me to see Ships Monthly in that list of 80 ways (a good moment in Pitchy Writes Words for those in the know).

    I head off today on my little 2 months adventure. I’ll scope out some trays and yays for you. Consider me your advance party/researcher/camera bird.

    CB

  3. That’s 10 pitches right there. Which I think is maybe 9 more than you’ve got out so far yeah?

    Enjoyed this one Pitchy. More than the usual admittedly funny but also worrying self annihilation posts. One further suggestion that might be right up your street – ‘Around the World in 80 Beaujolais’ (good for Decanter). Though hopefully you’re still off the hooch…I wouldn’t want to be encouraging you. What is the plural of Beaujolais anyway?

  4. Oh baby! We’re doing puns now, seriously! This is mine!

    Around the world in 80 Fayes – Pitchy has to do the bang-she-bang with 80 girls called Faye

    Around the world in 80 Souflees – cheese, chocolate, heroin etc.

    Around the world in 80 Pompeiis – Pitchy has to visit 80 Volcanoes

    Boom!

  5. Around the World in 80 Hurrays!
    Great stuff Pitchy. I like Lee’s pun too.

    And no, I wasn’t suggesting in my previous comment that your other stuff wasn’t on form, just that the last two have been particularly on form. I am enjoying reading you – but not, obviously, about the bad stuff.

    Hope you’re feeling better x

  6. I came up with a working title of “Ridin’ my ass, with Rundfc” for a book about touring north Africa on a donkey.

    In your case that would cover the horses and the gays categories.

  7. Here`s an idea Pitchboy – Around the World in 80 Plays.
    You stage an English play in each of 80 locations with you and your trusty companion Passepartout playing all the parts.
    Your Hamlet will go down a storm in Ulan Bator

  8. Around the world on 80 Segways. A brigade of Segway riders set out to prove once and for all that walking is a thing of the past.

  9. Really enjoyed this article. Genuine guffaws of laughter emanating from behind my computer screen.

    Another idea: Around the World in 80 Krays – Not only will this serve as a chilling reflection of Britain’s gangster underbelly, it’s also physically impossible, rendering it worthless to any publication. The perfect pitch?

  10. I like that, Fitting: getting all post-modern on us.
    Pitchfork – has PTW pitched to The Postmodern Review yet?

  11. Thanks very much everyone, lovely to have you all here. I’m seriously thinking about pitching some or all of the above just to see what happens. Ridiculous? If it is ridiculous, I’m doing it. If not, I’m also doing it.

  12. And if I do pitch them all, that’s another 41 magazines pitched. Which means only another 500 or so to go…

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