For Whom the Bells Tolls

Occasionally I drink. I don’t know if I’ve written about this. Occasionally I work too and I’m pretty sure I haven’t written about this, and if I have I haven’t written about it in any great length. Part of my thinly-disguised anonymity you see – “Journalism’s rubbish answer to Banksy,” according to one idiot* – allows me to hold down a relatively well paid, prestigious and, yes, sometimes important job in a very grand building in Mayfair. From this very grand building in Mayfair you’ll occasionally find me writing reports on findings in, predominantly, the field of social psychology.** These reports have – over the last few days in fact – been variously described as “Excellent” and “What the fuck is this shit?”

Anyway today, whilst conducting my banana-sharp research, I came across a pair of boners called Ackoff and Emshoff who, in 1975, identified four types of drinkers, each with different motivations for drinking. These apparent ‘types’ are as follows:

  1. The Oceanic Drinker: Tends to drink so as to become more gregarious and extroverted.
  2. The Indulgent Drinker: Tends to drink in order to become withdrawn and introverted.
  3. The Reparative Drinker: Tends to drink in order to wind down from work and ease into leisure, and also reward themselves for all their efforts.
  4. The Social Drinker: Tends to use alcohol as a social lubricant

So, which one are you? More importantly, which one am I? Just kidding: which one are you? I’d love to know because from where I’m sitting – a very grand building in Mayfair – I’m all four, and often all four at the same time. I can’t work out if this is good or bad: it could be that they’ll all eventually cancel each other out like double negatives and I’ll become ‘The Non-drinking Drinker: Tends to not drink’ but somehow I doubt it.

* That idiot being me, about two seconds ago.

** Although this is a rarity. If you were to ever visit this very grand building in Mayfair – and I’d love it if you did – you’re more likely to find me (1) smoking in the toilet, (2) practicing my Daniel Plainview impression in the toilet, or (3) sleeping in the toilet.


8 responses to “For Whom the Bells Tolls

  1. But will you be popping down the road as a guest at the Ambassador’s garden party?

  2. Pitchy,

    Hi from Oaxaca! Hmmm which one am I? As far as recent history goes, whichever one makes you bold enough to think you can salsa dance with Mexicans and somehow not look like an ass. And then look like more of one due to large amounts of alcohol consumption/the coordination of Elaine on Seinfeld. Probably go from 3 to 1 to 4, followed swiftly by 2 (making frequent trips to the bathroom to ponder the inability for my hips to detach from the rest of my body).

    CB x

  3. I can’t see much of a difference between points 1. and 4.? I think that perhaps Ackhoff and Emshoff needed a sub-editor. Or, they just wanted four categories and got to three and thought, we can’t think of anything else, we’ll repeat the first one. IDIOTS! The obvious category 4. is: people who like drinking. I like drinking in much the same way I like eating. Drinking is goooooooood.

    Thank you for your clarification on the point about Caitlin Moran by the way. Sometimes she does kind of phone in her magazine column, but I conclude my attempts to rehabilitate her in your eyes by alerting you to her couple-name for Prince William and the soon-to-be Princess Catherine, a name that now pops into my mind every time I see their smiling faces: Widdleton.

    Worth Columnist of the Year alone, that is.

  4. I like this Oceanic Drinker fella’ – sounds like me: a loveable rouge explorer on an ambitious and daring quest to get pisst. Just like Columbus or Alan Partridge in that shit film once…

    Wait, I think that film was Around the World in 80 Mays/Lays/Gays/Hays?? Pitchy?

  5. Are the names Ackhoff and Emshoff a piss take? (sorry!)

  6. Meant to say ‘pissed’ take. GAWD, my jokes are so crap, even the delivery is shite.

  7. Pete – yes.
    CB – Where the hell is Oaxaca? Oh, Mexico. Sweet fancy Moses!
    EB – Thank you for thanking me for clarifying my position on CM. Widdleton is pretty good. Please stick around.
    The Freelancer – Ha! I’ve actually seen that film three times, never on purpose. I cried at it once.
    Marge – Oh dear.

  8. Pitchboy, don`t excuse the messing up of a joke by Marge – although Marge is possible a very pleasant person – I was unfortunately married to a person who was completely unable to tell even the simplest of jokes*

    That 23 year union has wrecked my life and left me humourless.

    Telling jokes should be included in the school curriculum.

    *Who would stoop so low as to pickpocket a dwarf?

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