No one has any money. At least that’s what they’re telling me. “We’d love you to write for us” they say “but we’re struggling.” “We have not been immune from the country’s financial meltdown” they say “and are not in a position to hire you at present, entertaining though that would clearly be.” And they go on: “What a brilliant email – I like your style, and you are certainly the first tramp to pitch me ideas. Which is definitely good.”

Or perhaps I’m just, you know, a bit shit. Am I actually, you know, a bit shit? Or a lot shit? Actually don’t tell me, I just don’t think I could take that kind of rejection. At the moment though, I just don’t feel as though I’m getting anywhere with my pitching. I think this is due, in part, because I’m not getting anywhere with my pitching. Of course I’ll keep plugging away. God loves a trier, they say. If you’re gonna be dumb you gotta be tough, they say.

Besides, who needs money when you’re sponsored by Relentless? Me, obviously, and probably you too, but who else? Who cares, I’m being sponsored by Relentless. How many writers writing about pitching/not pitching 642 magazines are sponsored by Relentless, a drink for those with serious energy needs that gives you the stamina, focus and drive you need, when you need it? Not many is my guess.

For the time being I’d rather not go into the ins and outs of my sponsorship. This is mainly because I don’t really know about the ins and outs of my sponsorship. I think for the time being it might be an idea just to mention Relentless a lot. But does it go against my principles to mention Relentless a lot? Relentless, that gives you the stamina, focus and drive you need, when you need it? Surely my readers would have serious energy needs if they had to wade through loads of talk of Relentless. And how could those serious energy needs be fulfilled? I’ll leave that one up to you.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. For those of you who are interested, there’s only another day or so to vote for which story you’d like me to write this week. See Witness the Fiction for more (thrilling) detail. At the moment it looks as if I’m going to be writing College Dog, a short story about a dog going to college. A massive 41.46% of the country want this. And I do mean the country, not just the award-winning readers of Pitching the World.


15 responses to “Relentless

  1. You’re not a bit shit. I’m a bit shit. I wrote to Relentless. They asked me to send a letter. An actual letter – in the post. I didn’t have the energy. Fuckers.

  2. Pitchy-a-rama-drama! First, let’s get down to facts, my flatmates and I + our friend Rosie want to know (they know all about your mission, and also think brilliant) how many pitches have you actually done/published? We are all looking forward to the college dog story. I never heard of Relentless before reading this post; sounds awful. I say pour it in the teapots of Boscombe tea-rooms this weekend and see what happens. Go on, dare you! From your Number 1 Fans in SW14.

  3. K-Pipe – You’re not shit. You might be THE shit (although you’re probably not) but you’re certainly not shit. You should have written, and sent, that letter.
    Lisa Williams-Pipe – Unfortunately I can’t tell you and your flatmates (and Rosie) how many pitches I’ve done and what success I’ve had because I haven’t totted it up yet. I did draw some pie charts a year and a bit ago that were supposed to chart my progress but they weren’t pretty. David Thorne liked them though. Let me work it all out and get back to you. I’m not sure how good College Dog is going to be.

  4. I am voting for Dining room Nutjob. I just like it; it has a certain flair to it. And I do love a bit of flair. I remember my Nan’s dining room, I would sit and count how many animals/birds/insects I could see around the room (paintings, ornaments, the floor) You could comment on how you sit quietly and count round the room but then, after an hour, you forget if you had included the little bee on the potpourri bowl by the fireplace – however, if you had had a gulp of ‘Relentless’ your brain would have been so much sharper, fingers lightly tapping on the table, ready to pounce, nose twitching at every tiny movement, your eyes sweeping across the room searching every nook with unnerving intensity like a prison search light .. and you would have remembered. Or something. Typing this has exhausted me.

  5. Reading that exhausted me Marge. It didn’t really. Thanks – aiming to write whatever comes out on top over the weekend.

  6. Stan Rummage prefers Red Bull.
    I love Dining-room Nutjob too, but also the Rummage one.
    I think, in accordance with Lisa and her mates, that a report on your hit rate would be very interesting.

  7. Hi Pitching ‘Hugh comments on my blog more than you do these days you plum’ The World. If you were a prize fighter (which you’d better be, because next time I see you I’m going to lamp you for not returning my calls and still owing me steak and calling me a plum), that would be your ring name. That or Chudder Lang. Maybe you could have a poll on it. If you need inspiration for College Dog, there’s a Family Guy episode called ‘Brian goes back to college’. Brian is a dog. You could just change all the Brians to Gavins, or whatever you’re calling your college dog. Probably Brian. Anyway, when you end your sordid 3-way down in Bournemouth, call me up and I’ll show you a real nice time real good.

  8. Lisa?!?? humm are you my long lost daughter from my teenage pregnancy in Ireland? Oh Pitchy, I do hope Dining room Nutjob wins, I want to hear how you persuaded various women to have sex with you in a bin behind a supermarket (I can only hope it was Waitrose) Did you proposition them in the car park, offering them ‘Quality and Freshness?’

  9. Marge, when were you born, what is your star sign and who is your fav comedian? Then I can tell….

  10. born – a while back, Aries. Re comedian it’s a close call between Pitchy and Benny Hill.

  11. Sorry Marge, I have inside information that the only comedian that Pitchboy comes close to is . . . . . Kenny Everett

    and I mean that in the best possssss . . . . ible taste

  12. Wow, how lovely to hear from you all. Must say I don’t get all this “Marge?!??!” “Lisa?!??” stuff. But I like it. I also like being compared to the likes of Benny Hill and Kenny Everett. Diamonds, the pair of them.

  13. Lisa Williams

    Sorry Pitchy – just Marge sounds like a dude.

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