Planet of the Divorcees

Beadier-eyed readers will have noticed that this post isn’t called College Dog. I’ve had trouble writing College Dog. For a start, College Dog turned out to be about a bear. This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted College Dog to be about a dog. Second, it was the most depressing screwed up piece of shit I’ve ever written. Again, this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted something a bit loopy and surreal – possibly even upbeat – not a depressing screwed up piece of shit.  Regular readers will know that despite occasional appearances to the contrary, I don’t like writing depressing screwed up pieces of shit.

It’s been a strange day. This morning, after yet another night spent dreaming about rats, I began thinking about College Dog-Bear. “Ha,” I thought “How boringly predictable that I haven’t written that. Or at least written it properly. And how predictable that I’m still living in my Nan’s dining room. I wonder how long I’ll be here for. I wish I had some money. Why don’t I ever have any money? Or rather, why do I get big bits of money and just spend it really quickly? And why do I write less now for newspapers and magazines than I’ve ever done? Fuck, I’m shaking. I have to stop drinking from Thursday night until Sunday evening. Ah, that’s why I don’t have any money. Is ham and coleslaw a good breakfast? Fuck it, I’m eating it anyway. God I need a walk.”

This is true – I did need a walk: the thought processes outlined in vivid, thrilling detail above probably went on for an hour and at the end of that hour I needed a walk more than I’ve ever needed a walk before. About ten minutes into my walk I met a fat messed up tramp with crazy hair who was looking in bins on the beach. The beach looked splendidly bleak; French-cinema bleak. I gave him all the money I had on me and a cigarette and asked him how he was.

“I’m trying to get over a divorce. I can’t handle it.”

Oh dear, I thought, I’m going through a divorce. I hope I can handle it.

“How long has it been?”

“Twelve years. Can’t handle it.”

I can handle it, I thought. Or can I? Am I doing? Maybe I’ll be looking in bins in twelve years’ time, I thought. Maybe idiots who live in their Nan’s dining room will flee to the beach and give me cigarettes and money when I’m looking in bins in twelve years’ time. Or twelve weeks’ time. Or tomorrow.

We talked some more, mainly about his inability to handle things, but after a while my ability to handle things was also evaporating and so I made my excuses and left, and walked for about an hour without looking at where I was going and ended up on a stretch of prehistoric-looking beach and there was no one else around as far as I could see and I was suddenly reminded of the end of Planet of the Apes which I had seen at some point during my drunken weekend stupor and so decided to get down onto the sand and scream: “You MANIACS! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!”

That, dear readers, was pretty much my whole day. I’m not sure what any of this means. I think it might mean that I need to finish this project and go and do something less stupid instead.


15 responses to “Planet of the Divorcees

  1. I had a similar moment with a homeless in Krakow. Look: That’s what they do, tramps. They ask you for cigarettes and in return they show you the future. I’m afraid you’re going to have to work your way out the future he has offered you. There are no two ways about it. Knuckle down. Stop fucking about. I meanwhile have had a chainsaw purchased for me. Vroom vroom. *tssssssst*

  2. I’m still going to be writing College Dog/Bear by the way and putting it up. Don’t worry about that.

  3. xx. All will be well, it will. Another day in paradise. I hate that film Planet of the Apes, it really scares me (eyes watering), almost as much as Paranormal Activity 2 – nothing more maniacal than being dragged from your bed by an unseen force. PAN-DA-MONIUM.

  4. I haven’t seen Planet of the Apes, but I have seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Consequently I pictured you doing a Jay, but minus the weird clothes and long hair – I hope. Hang in there, divorces are survivable, I’ve done it twice!

  5. PAN-DA-MONIUM indeed Marge. I don’t think I’ve ever seen PotA (Jesus that looks awful: it was supposed to be a time-saving device so that I didn’t have to write out ‘Planet of the Apes’ but clearly hasn’t remotely worked) – only the end.
    Clairbear – Die you super monkey fuck! Not you, obviously – I’m quoting Jay and Silent Bob etc.

  6. Coming soon . . . . . . “Seriously Dude, Where is my Ape?”

  7. Just been sniffing around my stats and all that and found out someone ended up here today after searching:
    “caitlin moran wanking”
    My readers are a discerning bunch.

  8. Pitchboy, intriguingly ‘Caitlin Moran’ is an anagram of ‘not a criminal’

  9. And some other search terms that have come up lately. I better warn you, the list is long. The ones towards the bottom are funny. People are fucking weird. Goodnight.

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  10. i won’t go to dubai without my dog 1 – Ah, that one was me.

  11. camel sex tube 1

    Favourite and Catchy!

  12. актёр Чеви Чейз дата рождения

    My favourite – it’s Chevy Chase in Russian, and it came to you.

    Без перевода.
    This is Pitching the World in Russian – it means ‘without translation’.

    Make of it what you will.

  13. Bingo, I never had you down as a Russian speaker. Bravo!
    Lisa, I always had you down as a fan of camel sex tubes.
    My favourite? Well there are so many, but “i don’t think journalists know how to screw” is up there. How sweet.

  14. Ok folks, who is in Dubai that reads the blog?

  15. I’m big in Dubai, Lisa. And Japan.

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