10 Of the Best Holiday Feature Ideas You’ll Ever Fucking See

Apologies for the profanity but I put the word ‘fuck’ in the title of a blog post on Tuesday and then yesterday had the highest number of visitors all year. “Ah yes, I thought, that’ll be the fuck. I must remember to fuck more in the titles of my blog posts. I wonder if I can somehow slip a fuck into my next blog post title. Bet I can’t.”

Well I have, and brilliantly. Anyway, I need a holiday. I need a lot of other things too, but primarily I need a holiday. As a successful freelance journalist with an unblemished track record in writing travel features you’d think it wouldn’t be a problem to go on holiday for free and then write words about it. You’d be wrong. It’s increasingly hard to get travel commissions. Hard, but not impossible. Not if you put some thought into it. This morning, then, I sat down and hammered out ten ideas that I don’t think have been covered yet. Here they are.

1. In the Rockies with the Rockys. I visit the North American mountain range and do nothing but watch the Rocky hexalogy. That’s right, hexalogy.

2. See Naples and Die. I go to Naples and try and join the Camorra. If I have to whack my photographer in an initiation ritual, then so be it.

3. An Englishman in Old York. I go to heritage-rich York for a bit. Possibly with Sting.

4. Disneyland Paris! Alone! I go to Disneyland Paris and try to drink myself to death over a two-week period.

5. Where Am I? I deprive myself of sight, touch, smell, hearing and taste and get on a plane headed somewhere. Once there, I have to guess – by thought alone – where I am. Then write 1,500 words about it. Pictures could be a problem with this one.

6. Morecambe and Wise. I go to Morecambe on an intensive two-week course studying Greek philosophy.

7. Terry and June. I go on holiday with a couple called Terry and June.

8. Terry in June. I change my name by deed poll to Terry and go on holiday in June.

9. June in June. I change my name to June and go on holiday in June.

10. May in June. In this one, I don’t actually go on holiday but I research the various holiday options available in June and then decide whether or not I’d like to go away then.

I’ll let you know how I get on with these. I sense ten commissions, though the ‘May in June’ one might be a bit late for this year. Wish me luck!

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12 responses to “10 Of the Best Holiday Feature Ideas You’ll Ever Fucking See

  1. Excellent ideas. Also add ‘voyages with my paranoia’ and ‘how to pack when all you want is sex and ‘STD season, where to go for a better class of clap’.

  2. Perhaps you could Tarry in June…. and not really go anywhere.

    or one that I’ve always wanted to do…

    Hull by way of Hull – weekending in Hull, Massachusetts and Hull, England. Tantalizing compare and contrast.

    ok maybe not always. but loads if New England places share names with England (woo!)…..and are just begging for some good old fashioned compare and contrasting (remember when we did lots of that in school? what happened to that? why does my boss never ask me to compare and contrast anything?)

    CB

  3. Love your ideas Ellen – consider them logged. Yours too CB.

  4. I found myself on a Eurostar on the Monday of half-term a couple of weeks ago. Do not go to Disneyland Paris.

  5. Is that who I think it is masquerading as Rick James? Hope so.
    Jo: It’s going to be difficult not going there though once my idea gets commissioned.

  6. Rick James, this is ace:

    Luxury lifestyle website is looking for an experienced, professional restaurant reviewer who is plugged into the Honolulu dining scene. Please email a resume and some sample reviews with the subject: CRAIGSLIST JOB POSTING: Honolulu

    Don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’ve done restaurant reviews. Not plugged into the Honolulu dining scene but can be. Do you have a spare room?

  7. Love Option 6. Perhaps a whole series of trips based on comic pairings could be commisioned:
    6a. Little and Large – you and a colleague select the gastro destination of your choice, your colleague is forced to diet while you can leave only after you have put on two stone (approx 13 kilos).
    6b. The Krankies – you and that same colleague switch roles at the next destination.
    6d. Hale and Pace – you are forced to explore the resort of your choice but only on foot and only in heavy rain.
    6e. Armstrong and Miller – You must explain the various bread making techniques but grind all your own wheat.
    6f. Cannon and Ball – You can holiday anywhere you wish but must throw very smart parties that always include the area’s bishop.
    6g. Lee and Herring – You can choose any island but must throw only fish suppers and only on the most sheltered side of an island.
    6h. Flanders and Swan – You pose about any WW1 battlefield site in Southern Belgium dressed in traditional French army uniform of the time
    6i. Hinge and Bracket – To save yourself being left ‘on the shelf’ you host your own ‘swingers’ party
    6j. Vic and Bob – You float around in a hotel pool of your choice rubbing cold remedy onto your chest.
    6k. Penn and Teller – You must pack a soap box to wherever you decide to travel, and write about all the speeches you must then make.

    Oh just shoot me now…

  8. 6l. Tom and Jerry – You host a guided tour round the Somme wearing just one Toms shoe (and thus a single shoe is donated to a child on your behalf) accompanied by a German WWII soldier, explaining the horrors of war and why it must never happen again.

  9. smiigtt and Fandango – you’ve put me to shame there you swines. Well done. X

  10. I went for a beer in Beer, and bought a jar of curry sauce in the village of North Curry. Not in the name of journalism, but as part of a genuine holiday. Don’t joke about this stuff, that’s how some of us live our lives. Those pitches read like a life plan to me.

  11. A beer in Beer and a curry in Curry? I like the sound of that. Did you know there’s a town in Austria called Fucking? Well there is. I’m not propositioning you, by the way.

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