Conversations With My Agent*


14:16 Thursday 16 June, 2011.

MATTHEW HAMILTON: Hello. Is that Steven?

ME: I think so. Is that my award-winning agent?

MH: Hahahahaha. Yes.


MH: I was speaking about you last night. For an hour.

ME: Fuck. Really? To the police? They’re lying. Your therapist?

MH: –

ME: It wasn’t my Mum was it?

MH: Ha. [beat] Look, let’s talk Pitching the World.

And so we do.

Here’s what we’ve decided. Matthew is going away on holiday and I’m going to work on a proposal (and sample chapters) for a book based upon this blog. Sounds – or rather, reads – ridiculous written down, doesn’t it? Once Matthew gets back from his holiday (wish I was going on holiday) at the beginning of July we’re going to send off the proposal and sample chapters (wish I was a proposal and sample chapters) to publishers. Said publishers are going to start a bidding war (wish I was etc.) and eventually one is going to rise out of all the filth and offer me lots of money to write a book based on Pitching the World.

That, I think, is the idea. And there’s no way it’s going to fuck up (wish there was no way I was going to fuck up).

I haven’t quit by the way. That last post wasn’t my last post, by the way. I think it all just got a bit too much – my soupy ways, lack of money, living arrangements, the ridiculous idea of pitching all of these magazines – and I just wanted to curl up in a corner of a room somewhere and stay there, like a dying mouse or bear or horse or whatever animal goes to the corner of a room to die.

But then, this morning, a breakthrough. Who says this whole caper needs to be a success? I mean it clearly will be, but so what if it isn’t? Isn’t that something still? A kind of anti-journalism book, or a guide on how not to live your life – wouldn’t that be something still? The best bits of biographies are always the first 70 pages or so when the subject is struggling – going to auditions and not getting anywhere, or having manuscripts rejected, or living in a subway eating cans of tuna and drinking super strength lager. These are the best bits. And the book could – could – be like that. Imagine: a whole book of that. With no success (in fact I’m far, far less successful than when I started), no uplifting finale and no lessons learnt except perhaps JOURNALISM IS FUCKED or THE WRITER OF THIS BOOK IS FUCKED.

I don’t know though. We’re tossing around a few ideas at the moment. That’s right, tossing them around. And the end of the book could – could – be more uplifting than the end of Rocky, you never know. After posting this I’m going to write and send a letter to editors of magazines practically begging to write for them. It will be a good letter. A begging letter – can you imagine? Oh I’ve sunk low, I’ve sunk low all right. But I can sink much lower. Just you watch me.

If anyone needs me, once I’ve written that letter I’ll be in a subway in Boscombe eating tuna out of a can and drinking super strength lager. Come and say hello.

*Format courtesy of Rob Long, author of Conversations with My Agent. Go and buy it, it’s good. Incidentally, Rob Long’s second book was represented by my agent – perhaps you can go and buy that too, although I can’t remember the title. 


11 responses to “Conversations With My Agent*

  1. It’s like Rocky all ready mate, when the tide slowly begins to turn.
    And, er, didn’t he lose at the end of Rocky?
    You’re right, you don’t need to win. The journalism industry is a tougher foe than Apollo creed I’d imagine x

  2. “All ready” Fandango? Tsk. But thanks. And check this out, from Wikipedia:

    After the fight, Rocky calls out for Adrian, who runs down to the ring. As the ring announcer declares the fight for Apollo Creed by virtue of a split decision (8:7, 7:8, 9:6), Adrian and Rocky embrace while they profess their love to one another, not caring about the results of the fight.

    Do you want to play Adrian at the end of all this?

  3. Too bloody right!

    (That ‘all ready’ was unforgivable – ta for pointing it out)

  4. Apollo Creed = The Journalism Industry. Are we on the same page? Good.

  5. Can I shadow write it? As you know I work for £50 per half day (plus cigarettes) and don’t demand payment for 18months…….


  6. Fuck, yes, your £50. I clean forgot. Apologies – I’m on it. Also: Is the comments section fast becoming a place where people come to remind me that I owe them money? Hope so.

  7. Er…..
    Forget it…another time

  8. I’d buy it (the book I mean, not the tuna or super strength lager – I have enough of that already).

  9. Pitch,

    Keep going. I was looking back over your old posts.

    You’ve been through a lot this year. I think a lesser individual would have quit a long time ago. You’re a writer. And a very good one. Most people don’t have the guts to follow their dreams. You’re doing it and it will pay off eventually.

    Keep pitching.


  10. As long as these are chapters for college dog then we won’t have a problem.

  11. Very heartening words there Mr Chris Sanders – thank you. I will keep pitching, I think.
    mothersalwaysright – How brilliant, on both counts. Thanks.
    L – We may have a problem.

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