Five of the Best

I have a favour to ask. No, no – wait, come back, I don’t want money or sex from you.* Rather, I’d like you – that’s right, YOU – to tell me what your favourite posts have been over the last year and three quarters. This isn’t to feed my crumbling ego,** but my agent and I are putting together a proposal that we’ll soon be sending to publishers and some of the material we’re submitting will be previous blog posts. I know, I know, we’re both lunatics.

But can you help? Please. You don’t even have to be specific, you can just say “I liked that one where you drank Pernod in the shower and played with yourself”or “That was good, when you were in Dubai and couldn’t find a supermarket” or “You know that time you fucked up? That should be in there.” Actually, perhaps not that last one; perhaps I’d like you to be more specific than that.

Anyway, you’d be helping me out hugely. And whoever I judge to leave the best suggestion gets a can of Skol Super and 10 Camel Lights in the post. I’m serious about this. For the record, I think the best post I’ve written is Accentuate the Negative (February 2011) and the worst one Five of the Best (June 2011).

Thank you all very much. If you’re a little wary or shy about putting your suggestions up here, feel free to email me at: pitchingtheworld*at*

*I do really.

**It is really


17 responses to “Five of the Best

  1. Darn you’ve already mentioned my fav – Accentuate the Negative. Weirdly I forgot about all of the thoughtful and hilarious philosophical bits… I just loved the bit about smoking in the loo to avoid work. Maybe I should become a smoker so that I can also avoid work. Or you could just write more posts, they are very helpful for procrastinating.

    Speaking of avoiding work, I will continue to have a think about other favs… they will probably include beetroot and references to your wife. Or maybe some of your ace illustrations. I’m imagining the cover of the book already….


  2. Pitch,

    Around the world in eighty gays. I think that was the title of the post. Very funny

  3. Going Commando, by a distance.

    I refer you to my comment at the time:

    The best thing ever. Not the best thing you’ve ever written, not even the best thing ever written but actually the best thing, full stop, ever. Ace!!

    You rock

  4. The one where you had to draw pictures (some kind of comic pitch or something?). Dan (RDFC)

  5. Jimmy two gloves

    Chris is on the money.

    Before I saw this:

    Around the World in 80 Trays. I go around the world looking at, and occasionally purchasing, different types of trays.

    It had never even occured to me that there could be 80 different types of tray. I still don’t know if there actually are 80 different types of tray, but just considering the possibility genuinely excites me.

    Jimmy two gloves

  6. The one when you were in Dubai and had too many oranges.

    That was fucking fantastic.

  7. L already laid claim to my favourite – Commando . . . . . brilliant, especially Terence.
    But I’ll put forward ‘The People’s Friend’ of April 2011 where you claim that College Dog and Dining Room Nutjob would be acceptable to such a periodical.
    I remember it being read by my mother for tales of unrequited love, patterns for knitting horribly embarrassing pullovers for schoolboys and recipes for making meat substitute pies for just tuppence.
    College Dog and Nutjob would most certainly be met with tut-tutting and “What’s the world coming too” by adults at the time (we’re talking 50’s here). I can just hear the chat over the garden fence , or outside the post office – ” Have you seen ‘Friend this week? Eeh by eck there’s some queer stuff in it”
    I should go and track down a modern copy to see what the 21st century has done to it . . . . . . guess what? This old bloke hopes it hasn’t changed.

  8. Mine is Puke, Fuck, Cry – not only is what probably what most of your readers do (or want to do) each morning (not in that order, no idea which order works best – prob cry, fuck, puke or fuck, cry, puke either way puke should be last, as long as no one gets offended!) but also the fact that it was HILARIOUS, and yes I am shouting it, because it was HILARIOUS (hear it as a shout by a blonde woman with a side plait looking very nordic at this precise moment, according to my flatmate) Anyway..these were the bits I so loved:
    I’d like to call it Puke, Fuck, Cry rather than Eat, Pray, Love and instead of it being ‘One woman’s search for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia’ it would be ‘One man’s search for nothing across Clapton, the motorway down to Bournemouth and Bournemouth’.

    And my all time favourite – it is just legend:

    Whilst I’m crying into my Cumberland pie, my Nan will be watching television in the background with the sound off. Readers should love this bit of the book and subsequent film. This bit will also give me the chance to write a bit about other food that I have cried into which includes – but is in no way limited to – sardines, hamburgers and tomato soup.


  9. Oh and can your book have a sticker on it that says ‘New York Times Bestseller’ please? or I won’t wear my hair in a side plait ever again…

  10. Mine are:

    The Post Where I Consider Having Sex With a Tree. Or a Bit of Pavement.

    Write About What You Know (the bird feeding table…)

    Puke, Fuck, Cry

    Recent Activity

    The Red Bull pitch

    A Walk in the Park

  11. In all seriousness – much as I love your funny posts (they’re all funny), the one where you broke the news about your wife leaving was actually rather genuinely heartbreaking. Include it, to show the pathos behind the bathos. Or the otherway around. I believe it was Smokey Robinson who said… etc.

  12. Camera Bird, Chris, L, Dan, Jimmy Two Gloves, CS, Oldbloke, Marge, Sarah Jayne Fell and Dom: thank you all very much – it means a lot. Well, perhaps not a lot, but something. Just kidding: it DOES mean a lot and I appreciate you taking the time to help. Thanks to all those who have emailed me privately too.
    If anyone else feels like coming out of the shadows I wouldn’t be at all disappointed.

  13. Oh, and the pathos behind the bathos? We need more of that around here.

  14. If you put a gun to my head, it’d have to be Yoghurt v. cigarettes, November 8, 2010. Hey, good to see you soldiering on, particularly with another of my favourite features, hacks you’d like to kick the fuck out of.

  15. Fine choice Mr Eric M. That sounds like I want to get off with my own work but that was an entry I was rather proud of. Thank you. Am indeed soldiering on. It’s awful.

  16. I like the one where you ham up your drinking, smoking and poverty to paint yourself as a deadbeat. That’s right, I’m leaving narky comments these days. I’m just sad (anagram of my surname: layers) because you don’t answer my calls any more. X

  17. A-Pipe, you’re a riot. And a plum. I only wish what you are alluding to/accusing me of was true.
    My phone’s collapsed by the way. Try collapsing yours. It’s bliss. Say hi to Craphole from me. X

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