Write About What You Want

Me to my brother the other day:

“Men shouldn’t work like this. We should be fixing cars” – I don’t have a driving licence, a car, or any interest in cars or fixing cars – “or building houses” – unbelievably, I can sort of do this – “or, you know, just getting out there.”

Where is out there? What should I – we – be doing when we get there? Who cares – the point is men shouldn’t be huddled over their prissy little Macs in their Nan’s dining room all day and calling it work. They should be working on cars (trucks better) or getting out there.

That’s not really my point. In fact, that’s not point at all. The point is that I’ve had a sea change in my thinking. Rather than spend day after nerve-jangingly day looking at the details of these 642 (Jesus) magazines and wondering what I can write for them, I’ve decided to do it the other way around: decide what I want to write about and approach these magazines accordingly. Here then, slightly long-windedly, is some of the stuff I’ve come up with that I would like to write about.

1. Have we Created Our Own Universe? Assuming that time doesn’t exist in the way that we imagine and assuming that in some point in the future we are scientifically literate enough to create an embryonic universe and let it grow does that mean that we are indeed living right now in a universe that we have created in the future? (Note to commissioning eds: further details sketchy at this stage. The above was based on a conversation my (scientist) brother had with me recently and it led to me having a panic attack which led to me having to drink four whiskys. If interested, I can go back to him armed with questions.)

2. Where Have All the Proper Dogs Gone? It struck me the other day that all the dogs hanging out these days are squat, muscley, man-eating fucks. What’s happened to Labradors and Golden Retrievers and just ordinary dogs? Exactly, they’ve disappeared. If I had been in a coma for the last 20 years – and I wish that I had been in a coma for the last 20 years – then the dog landscape of today would be completely foreign to me. With that in mind, imagine what the dog landscape will be like 20 years in the future. Go on: imagine it.

3. Can I Eat Myself Clever? I spend a month eating food and drinking drinks that are supposedly good for the brain: oily fish, certain fruits and vegetables, other stuff that I’m not aware of yet. At the beginning and the end of the month I have an IQ test to see if I can eat myself clever.

4. Can I Fuck Myself Clever? I spend a month sleeping with very brainy women. At the beginning and the end of the month I have an IQ test to see if I can fuck myself clever.

5. Can I Drug Myself Clever? As above, but with drugs.

6. How Many Old People Look Like Vince Cable? I’m writing this in a cafe and a man just strolled past who looked EXACTLY like Vince Cable. Maybe it was him. But then I looked across the road and saw someone else who looked EXACTLY like Vince Cable and it got me thinking: as men age, many of them begin to resemble Vince Cable. How many? Fuck knows, that’s what I’m going to find out.

7. Can Thinking Like Marcus Aurelius Cure Depression? Answer: yes, probably.

8. The No Man. I say no to everything for a bit. Probably for a month. Can make a lot of it up. Might be a problem accepting the commission.

9. Can I Think Myself Fit? There is some evidence to suggest simply thinking about certain muscles promotes growth. I spend a month (it’s always a month) in a room thinking about my triceps, then another month thinking about my calves, and then another month trying to grow a massive neck.

10. Why I Love Cricket.

Any takers? Come on you miserable fucks. You know what to do: pitchingtheworld*at*hotmail.com


15 responses to “Write About What You Want

  1. It’s all suddenly becoming clear that you created the universe at some point in the future (not sure I can use that word now that you’ve destroyed time). And that’s why the universe is like this.

    You sick and brilliant man.

  2. “Can I Fuck Myself Clever? I spend a month sleeping with very brainy women. At the beginning and the end of the month I have an IQ test to see if I can fuck myself clever.”

    Wow! Was not prepared to read that in a busy office. I just had a whimper laugh – you know the one, where you laugh so much the final noise you make sounds like a dog (a proper dog) being kicked in the face!

  3. If you listen to Texas does that make you love to gamble with Mexicans and go whoring with fun girls from Yale/Harvard on their spring break? ..And listening to the beautiful song ‘The Hush’ does that make you quiet? You are a writer and you need to write books.. Dogs reflect their owners, I think yours is a Weimaraner,

  4. I think what this blog needs is a love interest. Perhaps unrequited. Who looks a bit like Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years. Either that or some paintbrush illustrations with the mouse, like posts of yore.

  5. Run: Thank you, I hope you’re right. You’re pretty sick and brilliant yourself.
    L: You are probably the third – actually, maybe second – funniest person I know so I’m beaming right now. Ta.
    Marge: How wonderfully opaque. Thanks. I’m going to google Weimaraner now.
    Boundy: If only you knew what went on behind the scenes here at Pitching the World. But I don’t want this blog turning into a glorification of my successful and sometimes unsuccessful sexual exploits. Or do I? Perhaps I do.

  6. Hilarious.

    I’d love to grow a massive neck.

  7. Ta Kofi – All you have to do, apparently, is think about it. Massive necks are going to be huge this winter.

  8. Can I Eat Myself Clever? – I spent a week eating tuna salads… I got really bad headaches and got confussed easily, more easy than normal, I binned every pan we owned, reasons still unknown, and I sent my hubby the number for pig sperm donation centre… rather than the customer service department for a company he wanted to complain about… Maybe vary the brainy foods… that would be brainier than just eating tuna. Just in case.

  9. Wow, what a vivid account of healthy eating Dorris. Thank you. A friend wants to know if you still have the number for the pig sperm donation centre.

  10. What on earth happens at a pig sperm donation centre? The mind boggles. Speaking of eating yourself clever, I recently learnt that you can drink yourself stupid… with too much water. Apparently it dilutes some electrolytes or other and… well somehow that makes you not so sharp. I don’t have a scientist brother to attribute this information to but a science-student boyfriend, which is nearly as good. On the other hand, that may have just been a roundabout way of telling me I’m not so sharp…

  11. If ever I needed a reason to give up drinking water Sarah – and believe me, I have – then that’s it. Ta.

  12. I have a Proper Dog. He’s a Border collie. Actually, he’s not mine – he’s a foster dog that I’m looking after for a couple of months while his mum is in hospital. So I’m just pretending that he’s mine. But he now loves me more than he loves her. Unless he’s lying. He doesn’t like those new-fangled scary dogs they have now either he says. He says he also longs for the days of Labradors, spaniels and other friendly mutts.

  13. A talking dog Kirsty? I’m currently writing a short story about a talking dog (that is also a bear) that goes to college. Well, back to college. I’d be very interested in speaking with your borrowed dog.

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