To All the Editors I’ve Loved Before

Dear Editors,

What’s happening? What’s happened to us? Where did we go wrong? Back when I began this madcap, pleasure-destroying project almost two years ago to the day you used to commission me to write things for you. Often I didn’t even have to ask. I’d open up my email account in the morning and there you’d be, all “Sorry to burst into your life like this, but we’d like 2,000 words on whatever” and off I’d go and write 2,000 words on whatever. When I did suggest things to write about, most of the time you’d say yes, but when you didn’t say yes you would at least say no very kindly.

That was two years ago. Now, nothing. Now, a kind no sees me smoking a sleeve of Camel Lights in celebration. I can only imagine that one of two things has happened. Both are bad. Either I’ve been blacklisted by the entire industry, or the entire industry is in such a state that you cannot afford to pay me any longer. But that can’t be it, because I still know a handful of freelancers who make a decent living. Or at least a living.

There might, of course, be a further possible reason. Namely that I’ve become absurdly bad at writing and pitching. That can’t be it though, can it? It might be half true. Oh, and it could be that I write things on my blog like, “Editors make you fuck them in bins and buy them hats before commissioning you,” but I didn’t really mean that, only said that to be funny and it’s not that funny anyway.

Anyway, editors, anyway, fuckos, I just want you all to know that Pitching the World isn’t terribly representative of my work. I care about what I do and have always delivered crisp, attractive, compelling and error-free copy on time. Always. Except for one feature I did for the Independent back in October 2007 about prefabricated housing that was absolute dogshit.

Please start commissioning me again.

Thanks for listening.

Yours sincerely,

Pitching the World


A picture of Pitching the World looking rubbish at a rubbish looking party, earlier. This is perhaps why I don’t get commissioned an awful lot, now. 


18 responses to “To All the Editors I’ve Loved Before

  1. Two posts in a day? Yep. Panicking about my future? Yep.

  2. Oh Pitchy,

    That’s the most moving post. If I were an editor, I’d commission you right now.


  3. Jesus, when I saw that photo of you I thought someone had tipped my laundry basket over your head in celebration. I hope that happens one day – In celebration of you getting loads of commissions and 4 books published. Just putting it out there to the universe…

  4. Thanks G. Is it moving? Thank you. I don’t know these things anymore. I wish you were an editor.
    Jesus, Marge, I know. There’s a lot going on it that photo, none of it good. Perhaps the smoking is good. Thanks for putting stuff out there, hope it works. X

  5. Perhaps you should try pitching in person? Judging by your tast in outfits you’d certainly make a memorable first impression ; ) x

  6. *Taste, I meant taste! Spelling is clearly why I fail at pitching…

  7. I know, I’ve got excellent tast. Taste. You’ll note that I’m wearing two – two! – women’s jackets and a woman’s dressing gown around my head and shoulders. I’ve also got a pan on my head. From memory (fuck you, memory), I had been awake for two days when this was taken.
    I love the idea of pitching in person. Seriously. Thank you. Face-to-face pitches, while uncomfortable, would certainly make for good reading.

  8. “Love that is not madness is not love.” ~ Pedro Calderon de la Barca

  9. If it helps leopard print and polka dots are both ‘hot right now’ so this might give you the edge over the competition…

  10. I think you should go to Frankfurt book fair and set up an office in the bins around the back. You could pitch from there. You could fuck people in there too, I suppose – if the opportunity presented itself. And wear that outfit – the Yassa Arafat meets Roy Orbison in Lidl look. You are so rocking it.

    Mya x

  11. I am rocking it aren’t I Mya? Am I? I very much like your idea about setting up an office and fuck area in the bins round the back of Frankfurt book fair. Have a look at today’s elegant search engine terms, I think they’re skill:

    pitching the world
    frank mcgrath
    frank mcgrath forearm
    someone reading newspaper
    frank mcgrath marca
    pitching thew orld
    fuck this memory
    james brown explains sabotage times
    writing to every magazine in the writers and artists yerarbook
    +”danny wallace” +”i hate”
    alexis petridis jewish

  12. Two posts in one day! Holy Moly Pitchy. I just returned from working a 24 hour shift and I was thinking to myself, <> and BAM! Two posts. Sleep deprivation be damned, I’m going to read the other post now…. CBx

  13. woahh….. something strange happened in my comment. Half ended up not showing up and the other half ended up in italics. I’m sure the italics makes up for the lack of words/sense. yayyy sleep deprivation….

  14. What were you thinking to yourself CB? I need to know. And the italics don’t make up for anything. How would they make up for something? I actually like sleep deprivation. In fact, I may well do a 24 hour shift right now.

  15. Not to be anticlimactic – I wish I could fill in something clever but any shed of cleverness died 27 hours ago – but I was really just thinking “I’d like to read PTW right now.” Yep. Turns out best thing served with a ’24’ is a side of PTW. Glad to see you’re posting more often. And pictures! I think you’re dangerously close to revealing your identity Pitchy…. if that is your name….

  16. A “shed” of cleverness? I like it, seriously, and will use that remorselessly from now on. You’re too kind. Seriously. Thank you. A shed of kindness, that’s what you are. X

  17. Pitch,
    I think we should all print that photo and frame it.

  18. I think you all should too, Chris. Or T-shirts? Or Pitching the World cups? I’m full of ideas, poor on execution. You should be my manager C-Pipe.

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