What’s happening? What’s happened to us? Where did we go wrong? Back when I began this madcap, pleasure-destroying project almost two years ago to the day you used to commission me to write things for you. Often I didn’t even have to ask. I’d open up my email account in the morning and there you’d be, all “Sorry to burst into your life like this, but we’d like 2,000 words on whatever” and off I’d go and write 2,000 words on whatever. When I did suggest things to write about, most of the time you’d say yes, but when you didn’t say yes you would at least say no very kindly.
That was two years ago. Now, nothing. Now, a kind no sees me smoking a sleeve of Camel Lights in celebration. I can only imagine that one of two things has happened. Both are bad. Either I’ve been blacklisted by the entire industry, or the entire industry is in such a state that you cannot afford to pay me any longer. But that can’t be it, because I still know a handful of freelancers who make a decent living. Or at least a living.
There might, of course, be a further possible reason. Namely that I’ve become absurdly bad at writing and pitching. That can’t be it though, can it? It might be half true. Oh, and it could be that I write things on my blog like, “Editors make you fuck them in bins and buy them hats before commissioning you,” but I didn’t really mean that, only said that to be funny and it’s not that funny anyway.
Anyway, editors, anyway, fuckos, I just want you all to know that Pitching the World isn’t terribly representative of my work. I care about what I do and have always delivered crisp, attractive, compelling and error-free copy on time. Always. Except for one feature I did for the Independent back in October 2007 about prefabricated housing that was absolute dogshit.
Please start commissioning me again.
Thanks for listening.
Pitching the World
A picture of Pitching the World looking rubbish at a rubbish looking party, earlier. This is perhaps why I don’t get commissioned an awful lot, now.