Bear Necessities

Imagine hearing that your best friend is chained to a radiator in a small room somewhere. You don’t know where. And imagine the radiator isn’t really a radiator at all – everyone gets chained to radiators these days – it’s a grizzly bear. The grizzly bear is full of Etorphine and won’t wake until next Friday. When she does wake next Friday, she will groggily paw your friend’s knees and ribs and shoulders for a few minutes and then rip your friend’s face off.

Imagine that.

Now imagine that you have an opportunity to save your friend. This is what happened to me earlier when I woke up. God came down and told me about the room and the chain and the bear and the best friend, but also told me I could put a stop to it all.

“But how God?” I asked God. “I’ll do anything to save my best friend. Can I have a look first though? I’ve always wanted to know what a man chained to a sleeping bear in a small room looked like.”

“Always? That’s a bit strange. You can have a look later maybe,” said God.

“Why didn’t you chain him to a radiator?”

“Radiators are boring. Everyone gets chained to radia – hold on, who’s saying that I chained him to a radiator. I mean, a bear.”

“Sorry, you just seemed to know a lot about it. Okay, how do I save him? It doesn’t involve running does it? I can’t bear running. Ha, I said ‘bear’, that’s sort of a joke. Not a good one though. I should have said radiator. Let me have another go. Okay, how do I save him? It doesn’t involve running does it? I can’t radiator running.”

“Well done. And you wonder why your best friend is chained to a bear. Listen: You can only save your friend if you get three articles commissioned by Friday.”

“That’s all?” I said.

“That’s all.” God said.

“And if that doesn’t happen then my best friend gets it? Well I can barely believe it. I mean: I can radiatory believe it. Doesn’t work so well the second time, does it? A bit much.”

“Yes, a bit much.” God said.

“Is this a metaphor?”

“Um, no. How do you mean?”

“Well, I’m thinking that my best friend isn’t my best friend, it’s me. And the bear isn’t a bear, it’s my project, Pitching the World. I suppose the small room represents my life. So: I’m trapped in this small room, my life, and I’m chained – and I must say, I really like what you’ve done with the symbolism here God – to a project that is going to destroy me if I don’t make considerable progress within the next week. Oh, and at the moment the bear, the project, is sleeping. I wonder why I’ve made it a female bear. Is that it?”

“Yes, I suppose so. I didn’t really consider all that. I saw it more as a game you could play with yourself, to test yourself. If your friend really was chained to a bear in a room, and the only way you could save him was to get three pieces of work commissioned in six days could you do it? Of course you could. I thought that might be a novel way of working this week. That said, if you really can’t get three features commissioned in a week, then you should just give up.”

“You’re right. And I will give up. Properly this time. Isn’t this a bit weird though, playing games with yourself like this at thirty-six?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“You’re a bit bored now aren’t you God?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“You want to go off and chain someone else to a bear don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do.”

And so began my morning. I’ve clearly had enough and am clearly going a bit tonto, but it’s good to set goals. And I know I’ve nearly given up on all this nonsense before, but God wasn’t involved then and that time was only really to elicit sympathy and gain readers (it worked), whereas this time I mean it and I need to stir myself because I’m really, really, really fucked off with it all. And pretty fucked up by it all too. Apologies for the fucks at the end. I was being all respectful and doing well with the fucks up until then. Enjoy your weekends.


26 responses to “Bear Necessities

  1. Loving your work

  2. Once when I was camping in the wilderness I thought I heard a bear so I tied the tent zip shut with shakey hands so the bear could’t get in. There are no words. I always think of bears as male, same with dinosaurs. This comment probably fucked you off also, it fucked me off no end.

    • What made you think it was a bear Marge? Did it make a sort of groany bear growl or was it just shuffling around a bit, fucking stuff up? If the latter, then I think I hear bears all the time. Your comment didn’t fuck me off in the least. If anything, I enjoyed it.

      • I thought it was a bear because I heard it angrily mutter something about porridge and blonde hair as it staggered around my tent.

  3. I loved this. Don’t go mad. Keep swearing. Bears aren’t as fierce as you think – you just need to square up to them.

    Mya x

  4. Dear Mr Pitching,
    Please don’t stop blogging, it’s almost my only pleasure. Boo-hoo!
    ps don’t listen to Mya – she never met a bear.

    • Dear Mr Clive Eardley,
      This thing is one of your few pleasures? Oh dear. Although I suppose it’s one of my few pleasures too.
      If you keep reading, I’ll keep writing. Probably.
      Pitching the World.

  5. You are, of course, obviously also God in this whole metaphor you’ve created… what a heady mix of megalomania and self-deprecation, Pitchy. So, if you succeed and make progress then you’ll no longer be chained to your bear of a project, but if you fail to make progress and give up then presumably you will also no longer be chained to it? Or will Pitching the World the bear devour you? Devoured or not, you will always be hilarious. But perhaps you have been playing with yourself too much.

    • I’m afraid that I can’t answer your questions Mary-Anne because I’m massively cognitively impaired today. I’m also chronically hungover. I refuse to make sense of anything. This is also why I haven’t emailed you today. Splendid comment though, thanks, I particularly liked the bit where you said I “will always be hilarious.” Also: I have been playing with myself too much.

      • I like how you are massively cognitively impaired and also chronically hungover, implying that the cognitive impairment is not necessarily due to your chronic hangover. Maybe this is the secret of your hilarity.

  6. Pitchy! I’ve been reeling over the fact that your blog’s come over all practical lately, what with the genuinely useful advice from commissioning eds etc. But now this creative googly, in which you drag God into our lives, by fuck, you’re on a roll. Skills. I really would like to get pissed with you some day.

    • “Creative googly”, “By fuck, you’re on a roll”, “Skills” – I think I’d like to get pissed with you someday too. You do mean drink, I presume, not the American pissed. I wouldn’t like you getting American pissed with me.

  7. Pitch,

    Need another fix. Sunday afternoons can be a little dull

  8. ANOTHER fix, Chris? I’m far too hungover to do anything but drink today I’m afraid. I’ll post like a bastard (twice) next week, hopefully.

  9. Today’s search engine terms:

    pitching the world 18
    egg 5
    crack house 3
    pitching the wrold 2
    pitchingtheworld 1
    why do people hate danny wallace 1
    http://www.pitchingtheworld.wordpress 1
    looking for someone in dubai to fuck my wife 1
    stamford global trial pitch 1
    frank mcgrath 1
    how to be a writer 1

    I do wish Danny Wallace would stop Googling himself. Also, I feel that the person who wants someone to make love to his wife in Dubai and the person who wants to know how to become a writer will have been severely disappointed ending up here. And the people who want to know about eggs.

  10. And now this, which is rather hilarious/disturbing:

    i want to fuck wifes dog dubai 1

  11. Pitch,

    Is Dubai 1 a type of postal code? Is it well known for this type of thing?


  12. You’d be forgiven for thinking so Chris, but alas the “1” part is just the number of people who searched for ‘i want to fuck wifes dog dubai.’ You could argue that that’s one person too many.

  13. Is this your work, Chris? (From today’s search engine terms.)

    fucked pitchingtheworld nan in a bin with her dog and now i’ll have to go to dubai

  14. Pitch,
    Nah. I’d never go to Dubai!

  15. That search term was me. I thought search terms were the new way you wanted us to communicate our news to you.


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