Life: I’m Preparing Myself to Forgive You.

Two bits of news: one thrilling, the other pretty unappealing. The unappealing bit of news is that you can now go to the Amazon Kindle Store and for £0.99 a month have Pitching the World delivered to your Kindle. Imagine that.

Look, proof:

It looks terrible doesn’t it? You can see if for real, here. Frankly, I’m not sure you should subscribe to it, but if you feel inclined to leave a review of all this nonsense that has been going on for two years, then I certainly wouldn’t fall out with you. I took a screenshot on my computer without noticing that bits of my desktop would be displayed – including, if you look closely, a picture of me dressed up like a madman and a really boring picture of some magazines – but when I realised the problem I simply thought, Fuck it – that’ll do. Typical, really. My life is almost entirely comprised of a string of Fuck it – that’ll dos and is perhaps the reason why I have a six week beard, am thirty-six but look fifty and feel ninety, have no job, no money, no wife, dwindling self-respect, two arms and one leg that go numb every night as I’m going off to sleep, and tinnitus.

There’s lots of other stuff wrong with me but fuck it, that’ll do as far as my list of ailments goes. Not, as you might suspect, because I can’t be bothered to recite my long list of woes, but more because my woes aren’t bothering me today. Woes: today you have lost. Today, woes, I think I’ll be chaining you to a bear in a small room somewhere. I have a plan, you see. A plan that is half brave, half foolish, entirely poorly constructed and yet completely thrilling.

Here’s a clue:

A six week old foetus, earlier.

Okay, that’s a pretty obscure clue. Here’s another:

Well it’s a house isn’t it, earlier. 

Okay, perhaps not the best of clues either. But it gets better, honestly.

Book, earlier. 

Oooh, what’s that? Some sort of book?

And what’s this?

Man from film, earlier. 

Final clue:

Me stealing the ‘earlier’ bit from Viz, earlier. 

That’s right, over the next six weeks in a farmhouse in Mallorca I’m going to be writing a book – more a novella – set in 2011 about a character from the film Withnail & I. And not only that, I’m going to be writing a weekly column about my experiences where I attempt to answer the question: Is it possible to conceive of, research, write, publish, market and sell a book (that makes money) between now and Christmas?

The beauty of this – as far as Pitching the World is concerned – is that once I’ve achieved this looking-less-acheivable-by-the-second plan, then not only can I write about my experiences for a heap of arts/writing/publishing magazines, but I can also tell the readers of Runner’s World, Yachting Monthly, and Dancing Times who they too can write and self-publish a book about running/yachting/dancing.

There are, as far as I can see, only about a million problems. Something surrounding intellectual property rights is one of those problems. Having no money but needing an isolated mansion to write the book in is another. Not having a column yet another. And there are more.

All will be overcome during the coming days and weeks though, just you watch. I have ways. You should see the ways. You will see the ways.

What do you think about all this? I’m tapped aren’t I? Or am I just a man with nothing left to lose? No, I’m definitely tapped.


[Update: A few hours after posting the above, someone phoned me up and asked if I could look after their huge mansion in the country next week while they’re away. “The thing is,” she said, “it’s on a hill and very isolated. You won’t see anyone up there.” Who said that when you make a decision the universe conspires to assist you? I’m not sure, and it’s probably not true, but it certainly feels like it sometimes.]


21 responses to “Life: I’m Preparing Myself to Forgive You.

  1. You are nothing without dreams and ideas, even if you can’t put them into practice rightaway. Look at Leo Da Vinci in just such a house in Italy,having ideas about helicopters. Wow. Go for it ….I’m still reading!

  2. Pitch,

    I’ll buy a copy of your book when it’s finished.
    Which character from withnail is it based on?

  3. Oh, Julie Noble, but I AM going to put them into practice right away. You just see if I don’t. And thanks.
    Thank you Chris – please do. The main character. I know: Bold.

  4. I have an idea. It’s probably a bad one. Maybe you could upload
    your manuscript chapter by chapter on kindle and ask
    ppl to pay a small fee to read the next one. Maybe 90 p per chapter or something like that. If enough of your readers get hooked maybe
    you give up pitching boat monthly etc and do something you
    really enjoy. Fuck it i’ve convinced myself. I’m going to look into this.

  5. Goethe, probably amongst others. I am jealous of your mansion.

  6. Ta K-Pipe. I’m jealous of the love between you and H-Pipe.
    Thanks Chris. Yes, I have considered that, but because I’ll be pushing it out and selling it really quickly and because it’s going to only be around 30,000 words it may not work. You’re right about doing the something you enjoy though.

  7. re your Update….of course the Universe is trying to assist you, they love to see brave souls yearning outwards….if you are going to be in Yorkshire let me know! Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. They? Like it Julie Noble. I was in Harrogate – is that in Yorkshire? – once and bought a shirt from Rhodes Wood. It cost £90 and should have been much more. Loving the screamers.

  9. I think this plan is genius as not only will you come back after Christmas with a novel under your belt but, if the film Love Actually is anything to go on (which is definitely, undeniably is), you’ll also have begun a tender but passionate relationship with a sweet and beautiful young woman who can’t speak much English but finds the fact that you are a damaged soul terribly alluring.

  10. Jo: I think you’re right. I also think there is NO WAY that anything can go wrong. That ‘NO WAY’, in retrospect, isn’t even sarcastic – reckon I mean it. And I’ve noticed recently that women do seem to like a damaged soul. Why is that? Anyone?

  11. You could always do an Orwell and move to the remote Scottish island of Jura and live in a cottage with no leccy or running water 5 miles down a dirt track and a mile from the nearest neighbour. He wrote 1984 as a result of the exp. Of course it also killed him, but no pain no gain eh?

  12. I would love that Jools. Perhaps not the dying bit, but the rest sounds idyllic. That’s often the way though, isn’t it: things sound romantic on paper, but pretty unbearable in the flesh.

  13. Pitchboy, I’m guessing the items in your arab photo – the table cloth, the collander, the leapard skin skirt, possibly even the fag, belong to your mother.

    It’s a great likeness by jove. Maybe dressing up is your forte . .

  14. Oldbloke, the table cloth is actually a woman’s (not my mother’s) dressing gown and shortly after this photo was taken I managed to set it on fire. Not, unfortunately, in a sexual sense. The cig was indeed my mother’s.

  15. . . .

    Came to your blog via Fleet Street Blues top 10 journo blogs, and wow, you just out there.

    I hear the tinnitus thang, literally. Developed mine in 1997 and still remember, quite distinctly, thinking “I think I’m going mad.”

    For non-tins, imagine a mosquito, whining in your ear. Hear it? Now imagine that whine … for the rest of your life, day and night, 24/7 …. now you’re gettin’ it … no, don’t stop, keep imagining.

    So, yea, no job, no wife, a place at my mother’s table and not much more haha, sounds familiar. But what you do have, and I still don’t, is The Voice, a tone, a style, damn readiblity. All strength to your elbow, and, yes, the universe sure seems that way sometimes, dunnit.

    . . .

  16. Hey just updated on these comments…yes Harrogate in Yorks its the poshest area don’t u know, shirts about 5 pounds in Whitby lol. Women love a troubled soul cos we are nurturers and want to heal.. much good it dies us though. And yes to Jura. yes yes yes like you are Meg Ryan. I went in June won a little writing comp got to stay in this amazing Lodge for free and believe me that Island is stunning. Go if u get chance!!!!!!

  17. I put dies us instead of does us, but I guess it must have been Freudian!!!
    Enough said!

  18. avaikinius: Yes, tinnitus is rather maddening. Also rather difficult to explain to people what it’s like. Not the sound, as such, but the maddening aspect to it. Can I say maddening a bit more? Thanks very much for your kind words, I particularly liked ‘damn readability’.
    Hey Julie. Still loving the screamers. Yes indeed to Jura, I might have a bash at a few writing competitions at some point. There was one I noticed a few years ago where the winner got to spend three months pretty much alone in the Antarctic. Or the Arctic. Somewhere cold and bleak and beautiful, at least. That sort of thing is right up my filthy little street.

  19. The fates are conspiring again… in my inbox was an invitation to enter a competition to win an expenses paid trip to Jura!!! You can try too, at
    Good Luck!

  20. I simply thought, Fuck it – that’ll do. Typical, really. My life is almost entirely comprised of a string of Fuck it – that’ll do’s.

    Yes, who needs an A+ when a B will do? (from a new fan who also has a daisy chain of Fuck it – that’ll do’s.)

    Not really, Im a dysfunctional perfectionist so: shouldn’t that be dos, no apostrophe? Although that would confuse our spanish speaking amigos.

    Cheers from the Caribbean!

    • Believe it or not, C-Pipe, I’m a dysfunctional perfectionist too. But I’m also more generally dysfunctional, so it makes it tough. I used to work in the Caribbean as a speechwriter. I’m too drunk to be writing a comment right now. Please stick around.

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