Since I made a throwaway remark (that took 25 minutes to write) yesterday about having a beard, I’ve been flooded with requests to put up a picture of it. “Show us your beard,” these requests would say if they existed. “Go on,” they don’t continue, “show us your beard.”
So, I’m showing you my beard. Here it is. In order to protect my thinly veiled anonymity, I’ve put on a big hat and a pair of prescription sunglasses (not mine).
Image: Charlie Wiper
Look at me. Cool, aren’t I? What am I doing there? 60? 70? 80? I’m not doing 90 am I? No. Actually, I’m not doing anything. I can’t drive. This is how I get my kicks these days, by sitting in cars pretending to drive. I used to do this when I was six.
But that’s not enough, is it? Well, it’s both not enough and too much and at the same time all a bit empty and seemingly pointless, just highlighting my beard. I’m well-known for posting entries that provide invaluable insights into the magical world of journalism. With that in mind, here are five other journalists with beards.
1. Ernest Hemingway.
Hemingway had a beard. He started out as a cub reporter for The Kansas City Star. He wrote some books. In 1961 he blew his brains out with a shotgun. His father also committed suicide.
2. Giles Coren.
See what I did earlier? I wrote the Ernest Hemingway entry in his style. I found it to be largely unsuccessful. Still, when has being largely unsuccessful ever stopped me? Never, that’s when.
Anyway, Giles Coren. In 2008, he famously sent a letter to the subs at The Times where he said things like:
“When you’re winding up a piece of prose, metre is crucial. Can’t you hear? Can’t you hear that it is wrong? It’s not fucking rocket science. It’s fucking pre-GCSE scansion. I have written 350 restaurant reviews for The Times and I have never ended on an unstressed syllable. Fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“This is someone thinking ‘I’ll just remove this indefinite article because Coren is an illiterate cunt and I know best.'”
“The way you avoid this kind of fuck up is by not changing a word of my copy without asking me, okay? It’s easy. Not. A. Word. Ever.”
Earlier this year, he wrote another letter, this time to the photographer who took the above picture, where he complained: “I look like a fucking idiot in this picture. Fuck. Why did you make me touch my chin with my fingers, people will think I’m a right fucking plum. And what’s with my eyes? What have you done to my fucking eyes?”
He didn’t really say that, I made it up. And on second thoughts, I’m not really sure if Giles Coren has a (fucking) beard. Let’s check, shall we, with another picture of him looking cool.
Yeah. If a photographer asked me to pose like that, I’d definitely say yes. I would also say that, on balance, Giles Coren has a beard. This is going well, isn’t it?
3. Gary Bushell.
According to his website, Gary Bushell has appeared on 2,500 television programmes. I didn’t think there were that many television programmes. Anyway, look at his beard. It’s one of those rubbish shaved underneath ones, those cop-out ones. What do you think to this post, by the way? I think it’s dreadful. “Five Journalists Who Have Beards”? Fucking hell. Really? And a photo of me pretending to drive a car? Is this what it’s come to? I never imagined that at 36 I would be writing about Gary Bushell’s beard. For free. What is wrong with me? Don’t tell me, I couldn’t take it. If only there was something – just one thing – in the world that could cheer me up right now.
4. Irwin M Fletcher.
And there it is. That’s cheered me up no end. The best fictional journalist of all time, with the best fake beard of all time, in the best film of all time. And we’re nearly at the end of this entry, too, which is also cheering me up. One more to go.
5. Mike Rampton.
This is Mike Rampton from Front magazine. He’s very funny and writes very well. More importantly, he has TWO beards, one made of clips and another, underneath, made of beard.
And that, thank fuck, is that.
Do YOU have a beard? Are you thinking of getting one? Perhaps you KNOW someone with a beard. Do you have any FUNNY stories about beards? Do you have any funny stories about things that are NOT beards? If so, I’d love to hear from you.