Ain’t Nothing But A G Thing

Oh dear. It turns out that I’m back in Boscombe. That in itself isn’t too bad. I have a lot of family here. I have friends here. There’s a big beach here. But there’s also my copy of the Writers’ & Artists’ Yearbook here. There’s a lot wrong with that. Firstly, after a three and a half month hiatus, it continues to mock and humiliate me. Secondly, it means that I have to flick through it and pitch. I hate having to flick through it and pitch. Once this fuckhead of a project is over (2013? 2049?) I’m never going to flick through something and pitch ever again.

Still, persistence. Dogged, ill-judged, character-weakening persistence. This morning, I thought that I’d persist with the G’s. The G’s looked an approachable, relatively untapped bunch. Sure, I’d pitched Grazia (and been ignored) and Greetings Today (who didn’t ignore me, but then did) but other than that, the G’s had always seemed untouched and promising.

A mistake. Never think that anything is either untouched or promising. Nothing is ever untouched or promising. The G’s are hard. Here are some G’s.

1. Go Girl Magazine. According to the blurb, this is a ‘Magazine for 7-11-year-old girls including fashion, beauty, celebrity news and gossip.’ I don’t know anything about fashion, beauty or celebrity news for 7-11-year-old girls. I’m not prepared to find out. I’m not prepared to walk around the streets of Boscombe asking seven-year-old girls where they got their jeans from or if there’s any good gossip going around at school that I should be writing a feature about. Go Girl Magazine is a non-starter. For now.

2. GQ. I used to buy GQ five or six times a year. Now I buy it no times a year. Recently, I somehow ended up reading an issue and it seemed to consist of the smuggest writers in the world writing about the most boring things in the world. In the fashion pages, there were a few pictures of men in expensive coats looking demented. That was it. They pay well though.

3. Green Pebble. Green Pebble is a ‘Magazine dedicated to contemporary visual arts in East Anglia.’ I can’t think of anything to say about this.

4. Grow Your Own. This is a publication for ‘kitchen gardeners of all levels of expertise.’ At first, this seemed promising. And interesting: kitchen gardeners. But then I realised that I don’t have a kitchen. And not only that, but it looks like I will never have a kitchen. This is a shame. If some quirk of fate led to me one day having a kitchen, I would definitely plant loads of stuff in there and write about it.

5. Guitarist. ‘Aims to improve readers’ knowledge of the instrument, help them make the right buying choices and assist them in becoming a better player.’ Although I have a better chance of one day owning a guitar than I do a kitchen, I have never owned one previously and certainly have very little knowledge of the instrument and no idea how to turn a bad guitar player into a good guitar player. At a push, I could perhaps squeeze out a few hundred words on buying one, but it would primarily consist of, “Make sure it looks cool, make sure it looks cool, whatever you do just make sure it looks fucking cool. Buy one of those ones that is one guitar on top of the other as they’re well cool,” and I don’t think the people over at Guitarist would go for that.

You might think that, as I haven’t threatened to quit since June, that I would do so right about there. You’d be wrong. Some of the G’s are actually okay, and I’m planning on spending the rest of the evening cooking up ideas for Granta, Glamour, The Good Book Guide and Golf Monthly. My next post could well be about this, if things go well. If things go badly, my next post will be about trying to explain to a policeman why I’d been walking around town trying to find out where the local seven-year-olds got their jeans from.


16 responses to “Ain’t Nothing But A G Thing

  1. I’d have gone for the top of the 7 – 11 age range, but each to their own.

  2. Really? Why? That’s more creepy, if anything.
    On an unrelated note, I was in the Twelve Pins on Sunday afternoon trying to remember where you lived. It had been a gruelling Saturday night. And Friday night. Anyway, I was going to pop round but couldn’t quite work it all out. Perhaps I should be telling you this in an email or on the phone rather than in this comments section.

  3. Good blog. Also gelastic and perhaps gnarly.

    • Thanks CB. And, um, other stuff beginning with G. I honestly can’t think of one other word beginning with G and I’m going (ooh, there’s one) to be pitching the Guardian (and another) in a second with the best idea I’ve ever had. Wish me luck.

  4. Hang on! This isn’t the deal, is it? Surely you’re not allowed to cherry pick publications – I thought you had to pitch all of them? Come on, be a man – dust off your Barbie clutch purse and get stuck in.

    Incidentally, well done for resisting the temptation to call this post ‘Hitting the G Spot’.

    • I do have to pitch all of them, Sara. The idea was to pitch all of them within three months, but that was well over two years ago and, well, stuff’s happened. They will all get pitched, just in a chaotic, depressing, unenthusiastic (sometimes) and odd way.
      Nice to have you here.

  5. Do you think Golf Monthly might go for the ‘You Don’t Have To Be a Wanker To Play Golf, But It Helps’ angle? Would that alienate their readership? Hmmm. Or a topical economising piece about golfing Bay City Rollers fans killing two birds with one stone?
    I don’t know which publication sounds the more depressing, Go Girl or Green Pebble. What would happen if you sent the wrong pitch to the wrong place? A piece about fashions for seven year olds might find favour on the desk of a bored shitless Green Pebble-ite, they may find artistic merit in your enthusiastic rantings about ‘spangly boyfriend cuts’, and ‘Minx Modes’…er….I think I’m losing my way a little…I shall fuck off.

    Mya x

  6. Mya – I was thinking of ‘The Top 18 Golf Movies of All Time’ but I only got as far as Caddyshack. Are there even 18 films about golf? But it’s good, isn’t it – 18 films, 18 holes on a golf course? Symmetry.
    You’re very good when you lose your way. More please.

  7. You have an 11 year old niece who I am sure would be delighted to help you with Go Girl Magazine.

    Also, I heard of a guy in Palma who does Yoga for Golfers – which apparently is nascent yet catching on. Helps to improve balance and concentration, apparently.

    With that one you could put three different spins on it and write (roughly) the same article for Golf, Yoga, and Balearics mags.

  8. You’re right, Tronky, I do have an 11 year old niece. I’ve arranged to watch Back to the Future with her on Saturday – I’ll grill her then. Who’s the guy in Palma? Damn, I only left Palma a few days ago. I like your idea very much.
    Also: nice pen. X

  9. I would think Go Girl would be a cinch to pitch to. You could easily suggest one of those multi-choice quizzes – ‘How good a friend are you?’ or ‘What’s the best sort of pet for you?’ Your neice would be a great test marketeer for this. The risk is that these are such a piece of piss to write they might just do them in house. Do you have a psychology degree or ‘O’ level you could mention to convince them they’d be getting something a bit more in depth? If that bothered them?

    I used to write for the Guiding Annual (and the Brownie Annual and the Rainbow Annual but they’re the wrong letter). I did crosswords and quizzes (see above) and easy craft stuff.

    Craft stuff! Can you and your neice make a…um, something….together and write about it? Actually, now I’m on a roll, you and your neice could do a photo story of making this whatever-it-is – it would be cool to present yourself as the uncle with excellent ideas for craft.

    Go for it!

  10. When you started it off as being in Boscombe, I thought it was going to be about Grans.

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