Replies From Eds to My Bullshit Generic Begging Letter

We don’t need any further explanation, do we? No, no we don’t. Besides, I’m in a funk. I’d like to not be in a funk.

Oh, if you’d like to read the Bullshit Generic Begging Letter, then please see the previous post.

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To: Pitching the World

From: Ruby Ormerod, Green Pebble

Subject: Chancing my arm

Date: 05/01/2012

Hi Steve

Love your letter, and if we had work I would happily farm it out to you. At the moment, given the economic forecasts, we have put our books on hold and are focusing on our art greeting cards.

Our cards are blank inside, so sadly I can’t even test your poetry skills…of which I have no doubt you have plenty.

Sorry, and best of luck,

Ruby Ormerod

Editor

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To: Pitching the World

From: Thomas Clarke, Golf Monthly

Subject: Chancing my arm

Date: 05/01/2012

Hi Steven,
Do you want to send me in some clippings, we might be able to do something for you.
Regards,
Thomas Clarke
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

To: Pitching the World

From: Geordie Torr, Geographical

Subject: Chancing my arm

Date: 06/01/2012

Hi Steve,

To be honest, I don’t pitch stuff out to freelancers very often – I’m too busy to come up with stories myself and when I do, I have one go-to guy who I pretty much always, well, go to. But if you come up with any feature ideas that you think might work for us, drop me a line and I’ll have a look.

All the best,

Geordie

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To: Pitching the World

From: Poetry Review

Subject: Chancing my arm

Date: 06/01/2012

Marvellous, but the writers’ and artists’ yearbook points out that you have to at least pretend to know the magazine by a) addressing the actual editor and b) displaying some knowledge of content.  We are a poetry magazine.  The clue is in the title, but I’m sure you just cc’d us. So all the things you offer are irrelevant.

It’s difficult, because this is a recession and one wants to help people out – but if you really seriously need work wouldn’t it be better to actually *get* some, e.g. by offering your freelance services to political periodicals at the least, rather than just running a gimmick?

So – confused as to your real motives but wishing you well if it’s work you’re after –

Yours, etc

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

To: Pitching the World

From: Milan Rai, Peace News

Subject: Chancing my arm

Date: 08/01/2012

Hi Steven

Thanks for your mail. Unfortunately we don’t pay contributors but there’s no reason you shouldn’t have something published in PN if that isn’t an obstacle.

Given that our remit is war and peace, perhaps the best thing would be something provocatively right-wing, 500 words. I’m not sure of your politics – your blog is not clear on your leanings.

Best wishes

Milan Rai,

Peace News co-editor

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Thoughts? My thoughts are that I’d like to drink until I black out, but I always want to do that. Please let me know yours though, either here in the comments or by emailing: pitchingtheworld*at*hotmail.com.

Thanks, as always.

 

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17 responses to “Replies From Eds to My Bullshit Generic Begging Letter

  1. Hey Pitchy, sorry to hear you’re in a funk. Those replies will be great in a chapter of your PTW Book. The chapter where the main character is down and in a funk and feels like drinking until blacking out. But wait! There is another chapter! And Pitchy gets some positive replies, earns some fast cash writing a speech or two, and triumphantly masturbates at some passing cars for good measure….

    Chin up. CBx

  2. You’re clearly not quite right for any of the 59,535 or however many publications out there.

    I think you should probably start your own. Then you could be the editor and call yourself ‘one’ in emails. You wouldn’t have to pay people to write. And, if things got desperate (when things are constantly desperate) you could go the way of the good people at Green Pebble: produce some blank pages inside a cover and pretend they’re greetings cards.

    Oh, and make sure to give it a title that clearly explains what you write about. Like ‘the Sun’ where I keep up to date with all solar goings-on, or the Mirror which has been too obsessed with that one mirror for a bit too long and might consider changing its name to Mirrors to give itself some leeway.

  3. I think you’re probably right Run. And I very much enjoyed the rest of your comment. Do you have several tens of thousands of pounds I could borrow to start something up please? If you can lend me several tens of thousands of pounds I PROMISE to give you that 50 quid I owe you out of it.

  4. I agree with Run. The first article, written by you, in your own publication should be ‘How to funk the shit out of yourself’ – must have photos.

  5. The clue is in the title, “replies” being the operative word… You got replies, which is half the battle. In addition, you get two offers of ‘Let’s see what you’ve got buddy.’ I’d call that a resounding success, ptw!

  6. Marge: One agrees. Thank you.
    Alex: I agree with you too, Alex. Almost. Also: thanks.

  7. Well, Poetry Review has about as much of a sense of humour as I thought it’d fucking have. Joyless bastards.
    Don’t be in a funk, lovely boy. Or at least just be in a funk today, drink until you sick out your own brain, beat one off into a sock and then get the fuck back on the hoss tomorrow. You’re a good writer, you tit. Hang onto that and smother any willing eds with your stupendous ideas.

  8. Bought poetry world,
    Then read that bitches reply!
    So not any more

  9. *Brought – damn my simple mind!

  10. FUCK, no it’s bought – I really am a simpleton

  11. It is bought, isn’t it? I’ve confused myself and am now full of even more self-loathing than normal

  12. Jesus, L, that’s some commenting. Did you bring it to work with you or buy it? But I know what you mean. I’m desperately trying to come up to London to play football next week and am seriously considering commuting every week for it, it’s that good.

  13. And that’s preceisely why Marcus Aurelius made me thing of you:

    Marcus Aurelius on things he has learnt:

    “From Alexander the Grammarian, to be un-reprovable myself, and not reproachfully to reprehend any man for a barbarism, or a solecism, or any false pronunciation, but dextrously by way of answer, or testimony, or confirmation of the same matter (taking no notice of the word) to utter it as it should have been spoken; or by some other such close and indirect admonition, handsomely and civilly to tell him of it.”

    Or, in English, when a man uses grammar incorrectly, rather than reprehend him for his barbarism, it is better to utter it in the correct way.

  14. I think you should send a copy of every pitch you write from now on to the editor of Poetry Review, possibly with a different misspelling of the editor’s name each time. Because they should have first dibs on everything you write.

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