How To Be A Political Speechwriter: Part Two

All 650 MPs in the UK have been emailed. The letter I sent can be found in my previous entry. So far, the majority of replies have been kind – gushing, even. “You are an excellent speechwriter,” they say. “I could well see an MP wanting to hire someone such as yourself,” they say. Some say, “You will be able to see that I have not made a speech since the General Election. This is very frustrating for both of us.” When I saw that one all I could do was nod and sigh and nod: Yes it is, it is very frustrating for both of us.

Perhaps the funniest reply I’ve had to date was this one:

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

To: Pitching the World

From: Denis [redacted]

Subject: Chancing my arm

Thanks. Good luck.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Or this:

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

To: Pitching the World

From: Richard [redacted]

Subject: Chancing my arm

Sorry – Richard

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But I didn’t (couldn’t) lose hope and twitched and dug away and finally, yesterday, sent off my 650th email. ‘It’s an experiment,’ I kept having to tell myself. ‘Just see what happens. You’re Isaac Newton. Even if one percent reply favourably, you’re set. You’re Malcolm X. Keep going. Stop drinking. Drink more. You’re Pol Pot. One percent. Experiment. Artist. Prick. This is why you split up with your doctor wife. Isaac Newton.”

It seemed to work. The replies that have come through recently have been positive. I think some people are pretty much offering me work.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

To: Pitching the World

From: Chris [redacted]

Subject: Chancing my arm

Thanks for your email Steve.  I’m currently up to the ceiling on my staffing budget, but that will change in the new financial year.

Whereabouts do you live?

I could ask my senior political assistant to give you a call to see if we could use your services on a freelance basis.

Best wishes and good luck

Chris

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

This looks encouraging, too:

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

To: Pitching the World

From: Adam [redacted]

Subject: Chancing my arm

Thanks Steve, I love your email.

I do occasionally need speeches written, and would be interested to see what you could do perhaps with a view to in future paying you to do a speech every few months?

If you were interested, might you (as a little trial run) write me a one page speech charting how Afghanistan has been a complete disaster  – based on my speeches in the house, and articles in the Spectator/Independent on Sunday/Sunday Telegraph.    A sort of 3 min introduction that I might give at a roundtable sort of discussion?

Best wishes,

Adam [redacted]

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

And this:

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

To: Pitching the World

From: Andrew [redacted]

Subject: Chancing my arm

Dear Steve,

You certainly grabbed my attention with your email and I did glance through parts of your speech. I don’t think you have lost your knack at writing good copy. I don’t have much room left at all in my staff budget but I’d be interested to know how much you would charge for writing a speech where I gave you quite a clear steer on what I wanted to say and supplied the content.

Kind regards,

Andrew [redacted]

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Whilst composing this post I’ve recieved this, too:

Thank you for your recent application to Robert [redacted] MP for speech-writing. I note that the speech you wrote was indeed of high quality; your email has been printed off and passed to Mr. Walter and should he be interested you will hear more from us.

So it’s not a disaster, is it? No it’s not, it’s not a disaster at all. Plus I’m still owed a couple of hundred replies and I’m starting my poker column and Golf Monthly want me to write for them and three female MPs have asked me to meet them for coffee.

I have a feeling that everything is going to be all right forever from now on.

Oh, and I’ve noticed that I haven’t put up the speech I sent, despite never shutting the fuck up about it. Please let me know what you think. About everything. Here it is:

 

Glen “Ghost” Philips – Rally Speech

“Let me tell you about change”

Ladies and Gentleman, today I want to talk about change. Occasionally I hear people in my constituency and beyond saying that they want change. It’s not that they are unhappy with the government, they say, they know that it’s working, but they feel that it could do with a change, without really knowing why.

Let me tell you about change.

When this government came to power, we inherited massive problems in the public housing sector. PAM had done their best, I suppose, in providing the people of St Kitts and Nevis with housing, but their best was clearly not good enough. In the fourteen years PAM was in power, they created two hundred and fifty new homes. In the following fourteen years, when this Labour government was in power, we created two thousand five hundred new homes. Two thousand five hundred – ten times as many as the previous administration achieved. And yet we still want to change, and we have another one thousand new homes planned.

There was a family of eight people in my local village, the Rawlins family, and between the eight of them they lived in just two rooms. Two rooms for eight people. When Labour came to power they saw this situation and they wanted to change it. They found a three bedroom house for the Rawlins family, but that wasn’t enough. They came back and found another house for three members of the family. From two rooms for eight people, to two houses for eight people.  These are real stories. These are real people. This is real change.

Let me tell you about change.

When the Labour Government came into power, the minimum wage was $120 per week. We looked at this situation and wanted to change it. The opposition didn’t want this change. The opposition said that we would be paying the poor people of this country too much, that they wouldn’t know what to do with the extra money. We ignored them. We raised the minimum wage three times and it now stands at $320 per week and we are committed to raising it further. The opposition say that poor people don’t know what to do with this money, that they are being paid too much. We say thatthey do know what they’re doing, that we want to pay them more. PAM want to keep the poor people of this country down; Labour wants them to flourish.

Let me tell you about change.

Let me tell you about the recent study by the Caribbean Development Bank. A Human Growth Development study. Out of the entire Caribbean, where did St Kitts and Nevis feature in the report? Where did one of the smallest nations in the world come? We came second. In the whole Caribbean we came second. But do you know what? We’re not happy with second. PAM would be happy with second – hell, they’d probably be happy with fifth – be we want to be number one. And if the progress, if the changes being made under Labour continue – and they will – then that number one spot is ours.

Let me tell you about change.

Let me tell you about Lindsay Grant’s plans for dealing with employment in this country. Lindsay Grant has already stated that if they were to come in to power, that on the first day – on the very first day – after being elected, they would immediately slash five hundred jobs in the public sector. Notcreate five hundred jobs in the public sector, but lose them. But taking people’s jobs away from them is second nature to PAM. When they were last in government one of their first acts was to make people – hard working people – who were employed, unemployed. They thought the people in the lowest paid jobs were an easy target, so they started there, with cleaners, people working in factories, construction workers. Then they went a step further, and another step further, and another step further, until everyone was affected. Mothers. Fathers. People’s sisters and brothers – no-one was immune from PAM’s sweeping changes. Is that the sort of change the people of this country want? The sort of change people deserve? Or do they want the sort of change the Labour Party has implemented? The sort of change where we are creating civil engineers for the first time? Where there are more doctors, lawyers and teachers then ever before? Where the tourism industry has created thousands of jobs and will create thousands more? Throughout the rest of the Caribbean, and throughout the world, tourism projects are being halted. In St Kitts, they are expanding. We have invested heavily in the country’s infrastructure and are reaping the rewards: this year, for the first time, we will see visitor numbers reach the 500,000 mark. This is change. This is the sort of change that I know people in this country want to see.

[big pause]

Let me tell you about change.

Fifteen years ago it was unthinkable to have a man like me in the administration. A man from humble beginnings. A young man, with fresh ideas, fresh thinking and a fresh approach to the way this country should be run. A man who is approachable and available. A man from your community, a man who has the same dreams and aspirations as you and is damn sure not to lose sight of them or, indeed, to let you lose sight of them.

The Labour Party has changed in the fifteen years it has been governing this country. Your country. It has realised that parties who do not change die. This party is a living movement, not a relic. It is a party for and about change. PAM’s ideas are not new ideas. They are old ideas that didn’t work before and certainly won’t now. And they are spearheaded by a man who is reluctant to change.

Now, I could stand here and list the shortcomings of both Lindsay Grant and the PAM party, but frankly, the list is too long and there are other candidates who need to speak.

But let me say this: if you want change that is going to blight your communities, strip you of your jobs, take away your houses and the food from your mouths then vote PAM.

If you want a party who has – and will continue to – produce real, measurable change for the better, then the only party you should vote for is Labour.

Vote Labour. Vote change.

 

Thank you.

 

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21 responses to “How To Be A Political Speechwriter: Part Two

  1. That said, today’s search engine terms are a little disconcerting. I hope my identity isn’t being compromised.

    pitching the world
    frank mcgrath forearms
    pitch world
    frank mcgrath forearm
    “i’m 36 and live in my nan’s dining room. this is not as strange as it sounds, but it almost is. i drink and smoke too much and barely make a living.
    frank mcgrath
    smoking lots
    i live in my nans dining room and want to be a speech writer
    i live in my nan’s dining room but i want to be a speechwriter
    pitching

  2. God you’re good!

  3. You’ve been invited to “coffee” with three female MPs? *sniggers*

  4. are you sure you weren’t a writer on the west wing?

  5. love the speech

  6. Well done, Pitchfork. Politics is awful, isn’t it? Ripe for exploitation though. Go to it.

    • K-Razy: I’ve been going to Leroy Merlin (in Mallorca) for years and it’s never occurred to me to describe it as brilliantly as you do. Politics can be awful, but it can also be a force for better. I will go for it.

  7. Subject: Chancing my arm

    Sorry – Richard

    RICHARD WILL BE SORRY! Pitch you are still alive – so glad. I still laugh when I think about the pictures of the island and colooal in his plane. Brilliant.

  8. Oh shit, my spelling. I am in not in the right position to write.

  9. You’re going back to pitching the media world though, right? I hope I haven’t missed some key post where you burn the Writer’s Handbook in your nan’s garden.

  10. EB: That would have been a good post. But yes, I am carrying on – this is just a minor deviation.

  11. You frigging star. If those replies don’t have you dancing around your Nan’s dining table then fuck all will. Good work m’boy! I’m coming over all moist eyed (dab, dab).

  12. Skills. If all those evil, gimp-suited fuckers in Parliament are happy to shove their filthy noses into the taxpayers’ trough, why not a good guy as well? (You are a good guy, aren’t you…?)

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