Flapping Up vs. Not Flapping Up

So, my piece about writing out The Great Gatsby has been filed and pronounced ‘great.’ I’ve just written the fourth of my weekly poker columns and they’ve been described as ‘the best thing on the site.’ My book is being written and it’s going swimmingly. I’m not as homeless as I used to be. My face doesn’t need combing as much as it once did. My drinking has plateaued and the amount of alcohol I consume at the moment (still lots) appears to be doing wonders for body and mind.

You know what this means, don’t you? It means that everything is going to fuck up soon. Or does it? Perhaps if I preempt it it will. My whole Pitching the World life to date has been taped together by me saying, “Things are good, now watch me go and flap them up” and then invariably going and flapping them up. You could say it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or you could say that my life is generally shambolic and inky and determined to do me in no matter what I predict or don’t predict. Who knows? But we’ve had enough now, haven’t we, of all that “Hahaha, I’m going to balls my life up.” Haven’t we? Haven’t we (and this is the royal we here, not you. You’re not complicit in this. You’re rather fetching, in fact. I like you) grown a bit tired of all that caper?

So watch me not fuck things up for a bit. Or, perhaps, watch me fuck things up to such an extent that it renders this particularly slender post the most prescient and banana-minded thing I’ve ever written.

Do you want to see a picture of a banana? Or a bunch of the things? Of course you do.

A sort of banana orgy, earlier. 


13 responses to “Flapping Up vs. Not Flapping Up

  1. … never did a bunch of bananas look so sinister.

  2. Well done on all the things going well….my attitude is rather scarily the same, if things are going well then it must be that calm before the storm thing! Hopefully not for you though, you must be due some good times! Great news, I am uplifted…

  3. They aren’t bananas, they are yellow canoes.
    Mya x

  4. You are not going to Fuck things up. You are not going to Fuck things up. Oh and if that picture is a banana orgy what the heck then is a banana split? Haven’t slept all night for worrying about it. Dreadful. Actually, haven’t slept all night as I was at a real orgy. Not true.

  5. But I may fuck things up. I may fuck things up. Let’s hope not. And thanks.

  6. Read your latest Poker column. It was Ace. I want to gamble, I want to gamble right now, I want to gamble using my fake croc skin purse and its various coined contents on the slow motion turn of a card, my eyes opening hesitantly, hardly daring to peak.. swiftly followed by a Mexican wave, high pitched screaming and a dull thud as the music blares ‘The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades’
    There’s nothing more addictive than the hope of a better tomorrow.
    Not sure what dull thud was, maybe person next to me who lost it all.

  7. “There’s nothing more addictive than the hope of a better tomorrow” – painstakingly true, Marge. I guess it makes a junky of a true optimist. Maybe to be true anything one has to be addictive.

  8. Nietzsche once said ” Shit, I had a pencil here just two minutes ago, where the fuck did I put that?” (source: wikibullshit). What I am trying to say is that even great minds flap up occassionaly! although he did turn mad due to tertiary syphilis. A comparison to Nietzsche for you on a Friday that’s not so bad is it? I am not exactly sure what I am writing, but, hey that’s existentialism for you.

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