Monthly Archives: October 2014

Soreen Cake Blues

Throughout September I had three writing projects on the go. I know this, because when I opened my notebook this morning I saw I had written down: “PROJECTS – SEPTEMBER.”

Grand, no? You’ve probably imagined (you probably haven’t imagined) that since abandoning Pitching the World a couple of years ago that I’ve just withered, that I’d given up on doing anything whatsoever and just – oh, I don’t know – evaporated or something. Clearly not true. Clearly I’m not the sort of man who just withers then evaporates. Of course I’m not, I’m the sort of man who, in September, had three – THREE – writing projects  “on the go.”

According to my notebook, the first of these projects is (1) PITCHING THE WORLD. “Get it back on track,” I’ve written, overlooking the fact that it was never really on track. “Promote. Continue. Thrive,” is added underneath: undoubtedly a bold, vigorous collection of words but words that, whenever written by me, become essentially meaningless. The final part of PROJECT (1) to be completed in September was “Write Soreen Cake Blues.” This post, it seems, is Soreen Cake Blues. I’m pretty sure this thing isn’t what I meant to write when I wrote “Write Soreen Cake Blues” back in early September.


A writing project, earlier.

(2) THANK YOU, MR SPIELBERG, FOR RUINING MY LIFE. This was my second project for September. I was supposed to be making lengthy notes for a book I want to write about Steven Spielberg ruining my life. And he has ruined my life. I haven’t ruined my life, Steven Spielberg has. My lengthy notes – and therefore the subsequent book – were going to be centred around “Stoicism,” “Parallels with jobs etc.,” “Raiders of the Lost Ark (!!!),” and “Other. Lots of other.” Some book that’s going to be.

The main problem with PROJECT 2 is that I spent so long staring at and thinking about the words “Other. Lots of other” that they began to lose all meaning and became gibberish. This led me to spending a lot of time staring at and thinking about my life which too began to lose all meaning and become gibberish. Plus, I don’t know where to put the commas. Thank you, Mr Spielberg, for Ruining my Life? Perhaps: Thank you Mr Spielberg, for Ruining my Life? Or a more breathless and ranty: Thank you Mr Spielberg for Ruining my Life? Once I’ve found out where to put (or not put) the commas – and I’m determined not to find out – then work on PROJECT (2) can begin.


A life-ruiner, earlier.

PROJECT (3) Is my favourite. RADIO 4 PLAY ABOUT AN ACCIDENTAL SERIAL KILLER,” I’ve written. Then added, “OR OTHER.” Love that “or other.” Wish I’d written “OR LOTS OF OTHER” so I could stare at it and it would lose all meaning and I’d not have to write it. Although my radio play about an accidental serial killer wouldn’t work. There are no other ideas so my “other” radio play wouldn’t work, either.

Still, according to my notebook, there are things I can do to help my writing for Radio 4 career. These include “Keep up-to-date with competitions/deadlines etc.” (I haven’t done this, and don’t quite know what it means), “Read radio plays” (I haven’t done this, but at least do know what it means), “Listen to plays on Radio 4 more often,” (this is easily done as I’ve never listened to any plays on Radio 4, but at the time of writing I haven’t listened to “more” Radio 4 plays than I used to), “Contribute to comedy programmes” (I refuse to even comment on the absurdity of this) and “Mike Rampton?” (This bit I’ve actually made progress on. About three months ago I sent Mike Rampton a message asking for his email address. Mike Rampton is funny and writes well and writes funny stuff well and I liked the idea of collaborating with him on something – possibly even a Radio 4 play. But I didn’t get around to emailing him, possibly for the same reason that I have never got around to running which officially is ” That I don’t have the right tracksuit bottoms” but is obviously something else. Eventually Mike Rampton got in touch with me – he has got the right tracksuit bottoms – and we may well collaborate on something in the future.)


Mike Rampton, earlier

So, September. Not great. But where it once read: PROJECTS – SEPTEMBER in my notebook, it now reads: PROJECTS – SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER. October could be better. October is always better.