Soreen Cake Blues

Throughout September I had three writing projects on the go. I know this, because when I opened my notebook this morning I saw I had written down: “PROJECTS – SEPTEMBER.”

Grand, no? You’ve probably imagined (you probably haven’t imagined) that since abandoning Pitching the World a couple of years ago that I’ve just withered, that I’d given up on doing anything whatsoever and just – oh, I don’t know – evaporated or something. Clearly not true. Clearly I’m not the sort of man who just withers then evaporates. Of course I’m not, I’m the sort of man who, in September, had three – THREE – writing projects  “on the go.”

According to my notebook, the first of these projects is (1) PITCHING THE WORLD. “Get it back on track,” I’ve written, overlooking the fact that it was never really on track. “Promote. Continue. Thrive,” is added underneath: undoubtedly a bold, vigorous collection of words but words that, whenever written by me, become essentially meaningless. The final part of PROJECT (1) to be completed in September was “Write Soreen Cake Blues.” This post, it seems, is Soreen Cake Blues. I’m pretty sure this thing isn’t what I meant to write when I wrote “Write Soreen Cake Blues” back in early September.


A writing project, earlier.

(2) THANK YOU, MR SPIELBERG, FOR RUINING MY LIFE. This was my second project for September. I was supposed to be making lengthy notes for a book I want to write about Steven Spielberg ruining my life. And he has ruined my life. I haven’t ruined my life, Steven Spielberg has. My lengthy notes – and therefore the subsequent book – were going to be centred around “Stoicism,” “Parallels with jobs etc.,” “Raiders of the Lost Ark (!!!),” and “Other. Lots of other.” Some book that’s going to be.

The main problem with PROJECT 2 is that I spent so long staring at and thinking about the words “Other. Lots of other” that they began to lose all meaning and became gibberish. This led me to spending a lot of time staring at and thinking about my life which too began to lose all meaning and become gibberish. Plus, I don’t know where to put the commas. Thank you, Mr Spielberg, for Ruining my Life? Perhaps: Thank you Mr Spielberg, for Ruining my Life? Or a more breathless and ranty: Thank you Mr Spielberg for Ruining my Life? Once I’ve found out where to put (or not put) the commas – and I’m determined not to find out – then work on PROJECT (2) can begin.


A life-ruiner, earlier.

PROJECT (3) Is my favourite. RADIO 4 PLAY ABOUT AN ACCIDENTAL SERIAL KILLER,” I’ve written. Then added, “OR OTHER.” Love that “or other.” Wish I’d written “OR LOTS OF OTHER” so I could stare at it and it would lose all meaning and I’d not have to write it. Although my radio play about an accidental serial killer wouldn’t work. There are no other ideas so my “other” radio play wouldn’t work, either.

Still, according to my notebook, there are things I can do to help my writing for Radio 4 career. These include “Keep up-to-date with competitions/deadlines etc.” (I haven’t done this, and don’t quite know what it means), “Read radio plays” (I haven’t done this, but at least do know what it means), “Listen to plays on Radio 4 more often,” (this is easily done as I’ve never listened to any plays on Radio 4, but at the time of writing I haven’t listened to “more” Radio 4 plays than I used to), “Contribute to comedy programmes” (I refuse to even comment on the absurdity of this) and “Mike Rampton?” (This bit I’ve actually made progress on. About three months ago I sent Mike Rampton a message asking for his email address. Mike Rampton is funny and writes well and writes funny stuff well and I liked the idea of collaborating with him on something – possibly even a Radio 4 play. But I didn’t get around to emailing him, possibly for the same reason that I have never got around to running which officially is ” That I don’t have the right tracksuit bottoms” but is obviously something else. Eventually Mike Rampton got in touch with me – he has got the right tracksuit bottoms – and we may well collaborate on something in the future.)


Mike Rampton, earlier

So, September. Not great. But where it once read: PROJECTS – SEPTEMBER in my notebook, it now reads: PROJECTS – SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER. October could be better. October is always better.

16 responses to “Soreen Cake Blues

  1. Aha. There you are. Yes. October is always better.

  2. Fab to hear from you again I did often wonder how you were. 🙂 funny business this writing lark

  3. Pitchy’s back!

  4. Pitchy is back!!! Radio is the way to go with all this- good luck!!. Spielberg made childhood so magical, he has a lot to answer for. P.S I’m near Boscombe now and seen some strange stuff going on with bins- hope your behaving.

  5. Good to see you are back and I am sure October will be better than September, if not, November is just around the corner. I didn’t know what Soreen was so I went to the website and there is a photo of a malt loaf wearing some yellow pants, no face drawn on or anything, it has these weird malty legs also, it seems it had a hangover and was staggering out the back gate to get some milk to ease that stomach acid. It made me feel a bit shuddery. A bit like September did.

    • Soreen cakes make me feel shuddery too Marge. So shuddery, in fact, that I’m determined to write about them this week (properly this time). So, you know, look out for that. I completely owe you an email. Look out for that, too.

  6. Yes you certainly do Pitchy, please not a shuddery or malty email though. No Soreen emails for this chick.

  7. So, I missed the October comeback as we’re well into November (in fact, almost December) and I suppose this means I will have to wait another year or two for a post? Or not?

  8. Good to see you back Pitchy. Thought you’d gone for good. Hope you get all those writing projects finished

  9. April is bound to better than September or October even. I think you’re my second favourite writer after Julian Barnes, so my April is certainly better than it was.

  10. Thank you very much indeed.

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